The Soul Keeper / The Black Rites

[George Willson]

Kim Boggs is a detective assigned to a backwards little town that has a history of mysterious disappearances in order to keep them in line. When a fourth murder occurs by a serial killer, she is forced to overcome the prejudice of the town in order to solve it. They slowly discover the pattern of killing follows an old Rite of Soul Keeping declared to be evil in the current version of the religion of Gospoism. However, since Kim resembles the victims, will she solve the case or become the next victim?

The Black Rites

About the dual titles: The Soul Keeper was the original title I gave it when I wrote it in 2001. After someone took interest in 2004, he pointed out that there were two other movies with this title. Both of them came out after 2001. I proposed The Black Rites as a new title based on the revision of the storyline to make Gospoism a living religion. I am still open to the old title as I continue to liek it better. People have mixed reactions as to which one they like better.

[The Reviewer]

From Der Spieler on Simplyscripts:

Overall, an enjoyable read. A few notes I made as I went along.

As soon as Victor was introduced, I guessed he was the killer. By page 50 or so, I was certain. This kind of killed it for me. At no point later in the script did I ever suspect it wasn't him. I can see how you tried to lead us away from the fact but it didnt work for me.

Kim tells him way too much about the case she's working on, it feels unprofessional and conflicts with her otherwise professional approach to her job.

It seems strange that nobody spotted the pattern of the B;ack Rites earlier since it's such a religious town. 3 murders, each 3 months apart. Surely someone in the town would notice that it comes from their "Bible" that they follow so obsessively.

Page 58: They only just get around to searching Dice's house? Since he was named as the killer by one of the victims, wouldn't this be done immediately?

Why does nobody else comment that Kim dyed her hair? Alarm bells are ringing!

When Kim asks Paul if he knew anyone who lost a loved one a year and a half ago, why doesnt she immediately think of Victor?

Page 70: If Kim is so convinced the killer took her car, why wouldn't she send for a squad car to pick her up, instead of staying at Victor who is quite frankly acting suspicious as hell.

HAROLD: It's hard to think of you as the weaker sex when you perform so well (LOL!)

Page 85- VICTOR: 3 years ago- this is cheating on page 53 he says a year and a half. Even if he's lying, Kim would remember his first answer- she's a detective after all.

Page 86: They should take Victor in anyway. Surely he's still a suspect. It doesn't seem right that the other cops would ask Kim's opinion, she's a woman and obviously emotionally attached. They clearly have their suspicions about him. It seems crazy to let him go without proper questioning.

Kim seems so naive towards the end. It's so obvious throughout, the clues are staring her in the face. It seemed quite unbelievable to me.

Don't get me wrong, I really liked this. You write very well. Your characters were very good except for the way Kim was so naive in believing Victor. I liked the world you created. The story kept me hooked throughout although I found it too predictable at times. The pacing and structure is very good. Never a dull moment really, you kept the momentum going very well.

I'd suggest trying to tone down the clues that Victor is the killer, it seemed too obvious all along, even when you tried to lead us away towards the end.

[The Reviewer]

Later, Der Spieler said:

I actually wondered if it was deliberate but then you tried to cast some doubt at the end.

I think this can be improved if you make the clues about Victor a little more subtle. We (the audience) would still know he's the killer but Kim wouldn't seem quite so stupid for falling for it.

Your story was obviously well thought out and with a few cosmetic changes here and there it could be very good. It was an enjoyable read and a step above much of the work I've read on this site. The ending worked well, in my opinion. You're right to keep Victor as the killer. There's nothing worse than some whacked out twist that doesn't satisfy. Anyone seen the Crimson Rivers?

I think I'm gonna read the Fempiror Chronicles when I get a chance

[The Reviewer]

From Scoob at Simplyscripts:

The opening is nicely done, although during the first part of dialouge you dont mention this to be subtitled as you do the rest. I think you might have just forgot to put this in, its not a major deal but I thought Id let you know.
When the figure brings the knife down on Mina, you mention somthing comes out of Mina. What does? Where from Mina? I picture it as being a spirit-looking form but thats my own interprutation. I think you could do with adding some detail on this part.
Gospo is the name of this religion you have going here, a bit too similar to Gospel isnt it? For a moment I wasnt sure if we were talking about that religion.

I thought the Zelda scene, where she is trying to get people to interview, was amusing and well written with some good dialouge.
Im also getting the point that these toeless shoes may have something to play later on in all this. Either that or its a fashion thing, I dunno as yet! * Now, I know. The Gospo religion. OK, I get it but I did have to take a couple of retakes to be sure. The shoes obviously now I know, but it took a long time to realize their footwear was a religious custom.

The interruptive detective/sexist thing going on is an interesting angle to work with though so lets see how this will progress.

Im getting a strange kind of THE VILLAGE vibe here with the way the people seem to be. Theres another film that is a better example but I cant think of it's title. The religion is begining to be a little more explained as we go on, Mr Offenhauer's anger with Kim now helps explain why there is the sexism theme from the police.
The realization hits me that this is not the normal everyday town when you describe the Gospoists preying at sunset. I know you may have tried to portray this wasnt you're average town at the start with Zelda and her interview failures, so looking back I can see now. I think maybe at the start, instead of the interview maybe this sunset idea would help to clarify the town as heavily religious if you wanted to make this clear from the start. If you wanted the realization to come in slowly , then forget what Ive just written!

Kim and Lila's chat helps even further to bring out more of the religion which is good. I see you have made a whole different religion here and it is admirable. Some of the dialouge reminds me of , dare I say it, DEMOLITION MAN, with some of the people talking so overtly nice and proper.

The dialouge in the cafe between Kim and Victor is enjoyable, it kind of feels nice to have two normal people chatting again! I mean that in a good way however as more and more of this religion is now coming out and Im beginning to enjoy it more.

When Kim and Victor are having dinner together, Im pretty sure Kim might suspect Victor about his convo concerning dyed hair. It's been one of the main points in her investigation and although they just have got Dice banged up, it seems like one heck of a coincidence. However, I like the vibe you have with Victor seemingly gaining control over Kim and her suddenly lowering self esteem.

Kim has now dyed her hair, which was expected but now it appears Vic has a twin brother. Hmm. Not sure about this new revelation so close to the end. But, lets see what happens.

In the Temple, Paul lets Kim and the other two know about the Rites and how it apparently works. I would have thought they might have researched this ealier.

At Vics place, the three are huddling together discussing whether to bring him in or not. I would have thought they would, this apparent twin he has might not even exist. Surely they would check on this before making a decision. And the following scene with Kim and Victor, I dont know. She seems pretty independent and not likely one to back down in an argument. But she is crushed by Victor. I think she would maybe give some back to Vic, after all he has been pretty secretive.

When they get to the factory and arrest Grainger, there is no real reaction from Kim. Considering this guy is her boyfriend's twin, she dosnt seem bothered too much, although she may just be on a high she thinks she has caught the killer at last. Also, on this page 97, you wrote :Grainger stands and turns around. He starts at seeing Kim but recovers quickly... He starts what? I think this is just a mistake but I thought I'd point it out.

Harold has the right idea of bringing Victor in also, why chance it? Kim is not hot on the idea but it's a two to one vote! Surely they would bring him in anyway, especially as they both conclude she's not thinking straight, and romantically involved with the guy.Or atleast watch his movements?

The twist with the cheating is good, I cant say I figured that one out but it didnt come as a big surprise either, although I dont think you intended it to be. It wraps things up nicely.

The finale is good all round, and ending with a nice touch.

All in all, I think you wrote a good script which is written excellently.
The characters all come across very well and the dialouge is for the majority, faultless.
This original religion is a good idea, it's nicely executed and you obviously put in a fair bit of work. I even ended up on you're AMEHR website after looking it up on google

If there were some things I found I didnt like, it was that the pace sometimes dropped. I think this is mainly down to it being obvious who the killer is, and although there are a couple of red herrings, I was never really convinced otherwise.

Overall, I enjoyed it and after reading through it, I would recommend keeping the title of "The Black Rites", it's a lot more fitting and I think its a good title in general!