Vengeance

[George Willson]

A housewife struggles to prove her innocence in her husband's death while avoiding the rage of his killer.

The latest revision works to fill in some gaps left by the 2006. Several questions posed by readers are answered very directly by posing these same questions to the characters. The ending is altered yet again with the same principles in place. I've trimmed some of the explanations throughout to help streamline it overall. I've also tried to raise more questions about everyone prior to the entry into the asylum. Enjoy.

Vengeance -- 2007 Rewrite


---------------

This version was a reorientation of the earlier versions. It has a higher page count because there was a huge focus in improving the characters to the point of them being believable. One of the best comments I've gotten on this one is the rounded characters and more believable dialogue. It still had some holes, but I worked to fix them in the 2007 version.

Vengeance - August 2006 Rewrite



-------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the older version of the script from 2005 which I leave as a comparison to see just how far a rewrite can take you from an earlier draft. The big change from this draft to the 2006 is that this version is a linear telling of the story without any flashbacks where the 2006 version essentially starts on page 20 of this script and incorporates the first 20 pages as flashbacks.

Vengeance - 2005 Version

--------------------------------------------------------------------

This is about as old as revisions get. This is pretty much the original draft of the script that I posted in April of 2004. It is an html document that I cut and pasted from word using <pre> tags. It's come a long way from here. What is most significant about this draft is that the Shadow Figure did not speak. Its sex was completely ambiguous, and yet, most people still figured out the killer before the reveal. The ending was more like psycho, though, in that the face was revealed followed by an explanation by Thompson. Another big change is that this draft has two more victims who were eventually cut out of the story because of their being extraneous. Their dialogue and actions were incorporated into the rest of the characters.

Vengeance - Original Draft

[George Willson]

I've recently done some minor rewrites on this script and registered it with the Writers Guild of America due to a production company actually requesting a copy of it thanks to one of my queries.

Yay for me...

[The Reviewer]

From Oness of Simplyscripts:

Geeze...sorry it took so long to finally finish reading it. I will give you a review just not as complete as yours, because you don't have page numbers on your script because it was an html link. So, I will describe characters/setting when talking about a certain scene.

=BEWARE! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILERS THROUGHOUT=

First off, I really thought this was going to be a mystery-Ashley Judd-thriller but it's so not. It's a slasher! Yes! I haven't read a slasher since Ian's REPRISAL and boy was I wanting to read a slasher. I like how your script have similarities of 80's films and it felt like an homage to 80's slashers. Okay, here goes...

>Hank and Athena's relationship seemed TOO perfect. I got annoyed because she was the perfect wife, it was like WTF. But, it did show how much Athena actually cared for and loved Hank so her emotional reaction and "feelings" were believable for a character like that. Good drama
>Hank the pimp, but seriously. THAT many girls!? Good for the body count though
>Dialogue exchange with Darla/Hank followed with Kathy/Athena was very good.
>I don't like it when characters talk to themselves, ex "Yeah, I guess he might be up" -Athena.
>Even though the settings where your characters die are cliche thats why I liked them, they reminded me of the good ol' slashers from the 80's.
>After Hank's death, that scene at Kathy's house where Athena feels sorry for herself was annoying. She complained about "perfect this and perfect that" ugh. Was that intentional?
>When Athena has her first encounter with the faceless figure was exciting, it was the perfect timing.
>Officer Carver's death gave the creepies a little bit, I imagine it being very suspenseful on-screen.
>Sherry's little chase scene should've been a tad longer, it would've been better.
>Another thing I felt unsettling and a little disturbing was Harriet's death, the way you described her body. Ugh...chilling.
>A problem; there's one too many girls in the facility! Sure, it's great for a high body count but I just didn't care for these girls other than Athena and Darla.
>Mindy "talking back" to the killer was a little too much of Tatum in Scream.
>I liked the death and chase scenes in the facility.
>Exciting and interesting to read it's a slasher with 20 year olds(some older) rather than 17 year old high school students.
>I wondered how the killer got into the facility and I was a little bummed at first, thinking "damn, this fool can go anywhere he pleases", but when the bit where it explains how the killer got into there was awesome and it didn't turn into a plothole.
>The killer's mask was a good throw-in, I've always wondered how writers nowadays would mask their killer since we've seen everything!
>Kathy being the killer was a little....very slightly though...predictable. She had a somewhat big role in this, especially after Hank died and then it was like...where did she go? But, her motive was clever. I liked that a lot.
>The ending! A sequel? Possibly???

Overall, a very enjoyable script that starts off a little slow but picks up the pace and jams full speed after the first person is killed. A very decent attempt at a slasher and it was satisfying.

I seriously can't believe no one has read and written a review of this! Maybe because your premise doesn't make it sound like a slasher, but everyone knows the people on SS, we all like us a slasher once and awhile.

Sorry I didn't give it a full-length review like you did for mine. I'm just super busy with school and work it's pathetic. I will though, in the upcoming weeks, try to give you a very detailed review like you did mine. Thanks for the read.

[The Reviewer]

From Stoop at Simplyscripts:

Hello, I am a huge horror fan, but I am not REALLY into the slasher-types. I did, however, finish and really enjoyed this. I found it exciting and how someone else mentioned it does seem to play homage to 80's slashers and I found that interesting(only because the slashers I do like come from that era). The buildup was a strange one, I truthfully didn't see this turning up as a slasher, I though it was going to be a mystery-thriller type. I liked how the characters were introduced but there is far too many of them. Another complaint is that the ending seemed...well...too open-ended for me. I like a solid ending with no loose-ends. This has been on here awhile and you've written no sequel. What was your intention of the ending? How did you want us to interpreter that? I liked it though...will we see anymore horrors from you?

[The Reviewer]

From Scoob at Simplyscripts:

I certainly get the idea that Hank and Athena are a typical happy couple, perhaps too much so. But it sets the scene fine.

The university scene with Hank and Jody works fine, it sets up he fact he is having an affair and I think that point comes across fine as it is. There really is no need for another girl to waltz into the room moments after Jody has left and then start getting it on. That was completly unbeleivable in my opinion.

Some of the dialouge between Kathy and Athena seems a bit too forced. Kathy's comment about her working at the mental hospital, maybe she should refer to it as just a hospital. Apart from that though, most of it flows well enough and it is informative about the characters and their lives.

Hank with Darla...what a guy...that is the third girl he has now kissed and its not even lunch time? I think this may be a bit over the top. Surely the whole university would know about this guy, other teachers Im sure would probably have picked up on this. If Hank really is turning the university into his own baby making company, then maybe it would be best to introduce this in another way. Maybe different places or secretive phone calls.

Ok...you added the phone idea anyway. Is this FOUR now? Im losing count. Anyhow, I get the idea Hank is a multiple cheat and an all round nasty guy.

Nicely executed murder scene in the shower, but I did not expect pimp Hank to bite the dust so that came as a bit of a surprise. All be it a good one.

Shortly after the murder, Athena seems more interested in this perfect relationship she thought she had with Hank rather then the fact he has just been murdered.
Also, I felt the teachers were discussing the murders as if they happened on a regular occurence in the lounge at the begining of their conversation but you bring it back to reasonable proportions towards the end of the scene.

Nice Jason-esque murder scene with Scott and Jenny. The body count is rising!

The murder of Officer Carver was well done, pretty suspenceful.

I really enjoyed the pacing of the Sherry death scene, the build up, the showing of Carver's head at the door and the chase. I make that six!

Harriet's death was expectant, but the "A" on her body was a great finish. Top marks for that scene!

Protective custody in a mental institution is a new one, maybe moving them out of the city would have been a better suggestion but that would then ruin the story.
However, I like the idea of you taking us into the mental hospital at this stage, usually we start there but never see it again in a typical slasher.
Tricia's death came as no surprise, as thats why she is here! It is beyond me how this maniac seems to be everywhere but then this is a slasher, and this seems to be upholding the traditions!

Kathy the killer, well this was good enough. It slipped my mind she worked in the hospital and therefore had access, so it worked out well.

Overall, I was entertained with this and it is certainly worth a view. It has a lot of cliches, as do all slashers, and a typically large body count but all of these were enjoyable and well written. You're style of writing is easy to read also.

Im not the best at reviewing people's scripts at the best of times but I hope this can be of some use to you.

[The Reviewer]

After a revision, Oness at Simplyscripts wrote:

I have read your revision and like it much better, it has better pacing. I don't know what to "review" again, but I did find an error! I was wondering how you didn't catch it but it was in the hospital and the characters kept saying something about Laura disappearing, but in fact she was right there in the scene. (Bottom of pg. 73) How's the sequels coming along?

George says: "This oversight of Laura's double appearance was due to the change of where she was in this scene during the rewrite which removed two characters and delayed Laura's death. I changed the numbers, but overlooked several indicators of the previous draft. It has all been fixed since."

[The Reviewer]

From Stifler048 on Simplyscripts:

I really liked this script. The dialogue was unbelieveable. And after all, all of this is what I this a horror/thriller movie.

[The Reviewer]

From DiCk--NiXon at Simplyscripts:

I’m glade your script was brought to my attention, it was good. You said you wanted to write a stereo-typical horror/slasher script, I think you succeeded with flying colors.

While reading this, it really felt like a slasher/ thriller from the heydays of Friday the 13th and Halloween. The characters were enjoyable and it was a ton of fun to see them drop like flies. Great slasher script.

[The Reviewer]

From Heretic at Simplyscripts:

Edited out all the line by line specifics.

Feeling I’m left with:

(Disclaimer: I know what you were doing with this script. But I'm going to address it like a spec script, so here's what I think if it were a movie I was considering making, or something like that.)

Well, that was fun. I was expecting a little bit more of an explanation at the end. Why
does she have superhuman strength and speed? Why can she do backflips? Why did she
let Athena live? I also would have liked to see a bit more focus on Athena, who is, I
suppose, a main character. A few more dialogue sequences would have been nice to really
flesh out the relationship between Athena and the other women, because that’s a very
interesting conflict that you’ve set up between them. What would they have to say to each
other? Would they talk at all? Good setup! Not as great a payoff.

As the horror goes, I enjoyed the action/slashing sequences. Good stuff. Some good
kills. Some great gags, really fun horror stuff that gives the audience those little nervous
giggles. BUT...I think that it probably could have used a little more creativity, which
brings me to my main point.

I felt that it really needed something to make it a little more interesting. As it stands, it’s
not really anything more than a fairly well-written 90 minutes of the usual stuff. I think
it’d be nice to throw in a little flair somehow, be it some snappy Tarantino-esque dialogue
or some slightly more creative action sequences. There could even be a slightly
extraordinary take on it, if you wanted to. Or, you could take it somewhere
psychologically and spend a bit more time on the relationship between Athena and the
killer.

I thought that the climax was a little weak. You could really pull out all the stops at the
end, though the scene with her and the killer in the room was great. Still, it could be put
in the middle of the movie (when the killer might care more about being recognized
anyway).

In some places, the dialogue was a little flat. In others, the characters were a little
inconsistent. For the most part, both were fairly solid, though not, you know, fantastic.
Still, I appreciate what the script is...and a fine script it is. The biggest character problems
are the protagonist and antagonist, in my opinion. Spend more time on Athena. If we
really know her, we care more. Explain more about the killer. Why’s she willing to kill
Scott? He didn’t do anything (though it’s a great kill).

Overall, I’d be inclined to say...what you’ve got right now is a pretty solid script and a fun read! Good work. I understand what you were doing with the script, and as far as that goes, it was excellent.

[The Reviewer]

rock435 at TriggerStreet says Vengeance lacks Suspense:

I believe this script has the makings of a horror - suspense movie, but it does need some work.

The dialogue needs to be cleaned up. There a number of instances where the character uses a word that does not fit the situation. For example, the use of "who has been plaguing us" on page 67. The word plaguing is far to mild to describe a serial killer. The phrasing of some dialogue needs to be worked on as well. Sometimes words are omitted to make it sound more conversational, but in reality, this sometimes fails.

It would make a more interesting and shocking script, if the adulterous behavior of Hank Michael is revealed slowly. It should be shocking to the women as well as to the audience. In this connection, the play should focus on the feelings and reactions of Athena. This will help the audience to identify with her.

It would be more suspenseful if we did not know in the beginning why the people were being killed. Let the police work this out.

Unfortunately, I knew almost immediately that Kathy was killing everyone. There was no suspense. I believe this can be overcome by having people explain to the cops what they were doing or what they saw by flashback. Every time Athena is threatened she should explain in a flashback. Is she lying? Let's keep her a suspect for a greater portion of the movie. In the same way, Kathy can explain in a flashback what she witnessed at her neighbors house.

I believe it would be more suspenseful if Kathy had a brother in the mental hospital. Now we have a real suspect. He might even help his sister in some manner. Perhaps it is her brother her continues on for his sister at the end of the play.

The police chief might also be seen as a suspect by twisting the story a little. If this angle is followed then it stands to reason he is in the mental hospital at least during the first part of it when people are being killed.

I can't believe any of the women would allow themselves to be put under lock and key in a mental hospital to protect them. Perhaps you can think of a better reason to bring them together in the mental hospital.

I think it would be more suspenseful if a better chase scene is envisioned at the end of the movie where people are trying to save Athena, but die because of it. This would help focus the play on the main character. -- November 8, 2005 - 1:09 PM

[The Reviewer]

gmurraysnyder at TriggerStreet says Vengeance is Served:

Vengeance is served

I thought this was a solid story. It had a good premise, good twists, and a really good pacing throughout. A great slasher script. I thought locking all of the women up in the mental ward was a great device. I also thought that the dialogue was good throughout the screenplay.
There are a few things here that I think could use a little fine tuning, though. For starters, none of the college girls that Hank slept with really had a defined character, they all just sort of blended together in my head into one bitchy, slutty co-ed. I would pick one or two of them at least and work on giving them more defined characteristics.
It might also be a little too implausible that Hank lived across the street from his ex-wife for two years and didn't know about it.
I also think, and this might just be me, that more inventive ways of killing should be employed here than the standard butcher knife. I sort of feel that because there are so many college slasher movies out there, that just having a solid story might not be enough. I hate to suggest employing any sort of gimmick, but I think that something needs to be done to make this story seem a fresher and to differentiate it a little from the field.
Other than that, I thought it was a good story told well.
I found the following typos:
p20: there should be a period after "dashing as ever"
p26: "places the receiver to his hear"-hear should be "ear"
p106 "he didn't you he was married" -- November 8, 2005 - 6:01 PM

[The Reviewer]

Ron Aberdeen on TriggerStreet says Is mine, said the Lord:

Is mine, said the Lord.

At first appearances this gives the impression it's going to be a good read. Accepting the technical and typo errors and weak contrived dialogue, it starts with a good pace but then becomes so predicable and ends with a whimper.

It's not clear if this is a thriller or horror. Either way it lacks bite. As a horror it just slash one then another. It doesn't scare the audience, as after the first death you know what's coming.

Over use of words ending in 'ING' in action lines.

Page 3: . . .without you coming over, surly he goes over?

Page11: Sounds and the cause should be in Capitals. This recurs on other pages.

Page 13: non-chalantly is written nonchalantly. Its correct on page 38.

Page 14 to 16: Not enough emotion.

Page 20: Use INTERCUT to show both locations, it would could have a more dramatic effect.

Page 21: Who's lights go out Hank's or Kathy's?

Page 31: The police would not ask if they can keep the address book, they would state that would have to take it.

Page 37: It follows them?

Page 40: Should commands be commandments?

George notes: The verse is Leviticus 5:17 and does read commands, not commandments. The reference is to the Levitical law as a whole, not just the Ten Commandments.

Page 43; Who are the victims, aren't they dead? And would this come from the Mayor, surely a police chief.

Page 45: Police don'y have cell phones, they have police radios or intercoms.

Page 46: Sherry says she told her caller to check with Carver but she's making the call?

George notes: I have a feeling Mr. Aberdeen doesn't understand the archaic English definition of "caller" which is someone who visits. Ever wonder why Closed signs on stores say "Please call again"? As a child, I thought, but I'm here, how would I call again. Now understanding this definition, the sign actually says "Please come again", but uses a different word to do it. Once upon a time, you would not call someone on a telephone, you would ring them.

Page 46: The slug line should be for the interior of Carver's car as he is inside it when he hears the thumps. Or maybe as a 'Series of Shots' with him first in the car, then out, then back in?

Page 47: Floorboards in a modern police car! I don't think so. And then the assailant descends. What from the floor!

Page 53: Slug Line should be shown as CONTINUOUS.

Page 71; Numbers should be written not typed as numbers. To indicate how you want the actor to say the number. As two thousand or two, treble zero, etc.

Page 86: You cannot have an unknown location, a script is a blueprint to be given to a director or producer to turn into a film. You must explain clearly everything you want.

The punch line doesn't work. Kathy was Hank's neighbour too. It's too far fetched to think they lived next door to each other and never saw each other.

The premise has potential and apart from working on your presentation, most of the script is good attempt but the story fall flat. Not enough twists and turns. I wondered early into the script if Kathy was the killer, but not his first wife.

Now if she was the first wife's sister whom he had never met!

To improve the dialogue read it out aloud with a friend. -- November 11, 2005 - 7:28 AM

[George Willson]

This commentary contains plot spoilers for Vengeance, and won't make much sense unless you've read the script and/or followed the reviews.

The major issues people have expressed on this script have to do with pacing, dialogue, and suspense. Some insight into what I'm doing to correct these issues:

First, if you've read the script, you know that the first death does not occur until page 24 or so, and there is a lot of exposition and lead in to that death. I am going to put this death on page one with no backstory or anything, so the script kicks off in the proper genre. This will lead to some major scene alterations and revisions since most of what follows that scene in the current draft won't work without the pre-info. This is actually allowing me to characterize some of the later victims a little better and talk about Hank as an opinion instead of showing him as a character. Much of the pages 1-24 are returning as flashbacks, but only partially. This places the second death sequence around page 20 and Athena seeing the killer around page 30, which work fairly well from a pacing standpoint.

Kathy is always identified as the killer early on in the script. I have racked my brain over this one since I like the backstory conceived for her reasoning to do what she is doing, and more than anything, I want her to remain in her role. The best way to do this, I believe, is to cast suspicion elsewhere. Darla and Athena are the number one candidates for this, along with some of the other women, if brought forward. The other women would not have the same vested interest on the forefront as Darla and Athena.

Another more recent complaint refers to Kathy living next door, and yet Hank never sees her. In my mind, the script never says they don't see each other. In fact, let's think about what would have happened if they did. Kathy, since she has been planning this for some time, would say nothing because she already knows. So what about Hank? Would he reveal the existence of his first wife to his second, whose idea of him he is keeping under tight control? I say no. Would his existence concern him? Possibly. He might wonder what she is up to. However, I don't think either of them would tell Athena for their own reasons, making this point almost moot...almost because now that some people have brought it up, it has to be addressed. So, it'll be addressed.

Dialogue has always been a weakness of mine, and it's just something I'll need to read through several times upon rewriting to get passable.

For suspense, I believe I need to lengthen the death sequences, create more false scares, place characters into questionable situations where they may or may not have a problem (for instance, in The Ring, the characters were rarely in any danger, yet the suspense was there). Thre are all kinds of ways of creating suspenseful situations, and the key to those is 1) introducing a threat of some kind and 2) exploiting that threat slowly. Alfred Hitchcock said that watching the bomb drop is far more suspenseful than watching it explode. After all, when it's dropping, you don't know whether it will blow up and destroy all of the city, some of the city, or if it is a dud and kill no one or even land on someone's head. As long as the question is there, you have suspense.

The revised version of this will be up in a week or so once I get through revising it.

[The Reviewer]

Joek at TriggerStreet says Killing me not so softly:

I have to confess I had a rollicking good time reading this screenplay. It's a fast-paced, implausible, nightmarishly ridiculous piece of work; and it had the teenaged boy buried deep inside me hooting with glee. I enjoyed it so much, in fact, that I almost regret having to report that in addition to being immensely entertaining it is also one spectacular disaster: a generically, if enthusiastically, under-imagined mess of a slasher film, with wildly uneven dialogue and characters so improbably repulsive and flat that it's hard to care whether they live or die.
Still, I liked it, and I think the person who wrote it is eventually going to make quite a name for himself. It's obvious that he knows movies (at least this type of movie), and it's also clear that he has a strong sense of how to tell a story cinematically. His screenplay is basically well-constructed and laid out, and the murder sequences are nicely choreographed, even when they are patently impossible (ie, having the murderer hide out under the floorboards under the front seat of a cop car --- I mean, please!). Where he falters, and badly, is with character and dialogue. Athena, the film's protagonist, is so improbably naive and unaware that she's annoying, and it's simply impossible to imagine that anyone could take her seriously as a potential murderer. Her husband Hank, the Olympic champion philanderer, is likewise too cartoonlike to be believed: no professor, no matter how reckless, sleeps with students in their dorm rooms, where there is absolutely no privacy. And let's not even consider all those hapless female victims, each one of which is so selfish, bitchy, and sex-addled that it's a relief to watch them expunged one by one from the screen.
This disregard for character and motivation leads to the screenplay's biggest flaw, and the writer's biggest mistake: the failure to realize that this is not Athena's story, but Hank's. Rule number one in the vengeance game: when in the middle of a murderous rampage, always save the object of your revenge for last. Imagine the following scenario: Hank Michaels, after a session of illicit love, walks into his bathroom and discovers his lover dead on the floor. His little black book has been taken, there's a note from the killer threatening more death, and his wife is due home any minute. What, oh what, is poor Hank Michaels going to do? That's how your movie should start.
What's needed here, I think, is simple: more experience. Please keep writing, because practice DOES make perfect. Watch different types of movies (try Hitchcock's STRANGERS ON A TRAIN, a movie about mania and revenge you can learn things from). Force yourself to sit through a few episodes of DESPERATE HOUSEWAIFES --- paying close attention, of course, to all that wonderfully catty dialogue. And if you get a chance, take a look at William Shakespeare's own early effort TITUS ANDRONICUS --- a horribly bad play with a body count at least as high as your own VENGEANCE. And keep in mind what Shakespeare later went on to accomplish. -- November 11, 2005 - 8:48 PM

[George Willson]

Did a major rewriteon this one to filll out the characters and match the genre a little better. I still need to go through and clean up some of the descriptions and dialogue, but this is a huge improvement.

[The Reviewer]

Chism of SimplyScripts left a long one:

Okay George I've started reading vengeance and I'm commenting on it as I go so hopefully this review doesn't feel disjointed. I find this way the easiest way to review because I am able to comment on individual scenes and moments without having to write anything down or remember anything important. So here goes:

The first part of the opening scene is really nice, the post-coital banter between Jody and Hank is realistic, down to earth and ultimately very whitty. It's not laugh out loud comedy, but it does give off the sense of a relaxed atmosphere, which is good because you jump right into the scare, something with which I have no problem.


Quoted Text
He closes his eyes and rubs them. He takes a deep breath. He looks back at the window.


I can't believe he rubbed his eyes. I think you should omit that because the whole rubbing the eyes in disbelief thing has become such a cliche. It provided me with an inapporpriately timed laugh, so I'd get rid of it, but that is just something that annoyed me personally. Jody in the shower, of course. It's a horror movie, girl in the shower, let's move on. Later in that scene, the killer removes his mask so that Hank can see who it is. Hanks says something like "What are you doing here," but does that really matter: a person whom he has just slept with has been murdered upstairs and he's going to ask why a person is there? This didn't seem terribly realistic to me. He could say something like "Oh God, it's you. You have to come help me..."

Absolutely loved the final line of the scene, really captured a dark menace that came across really well. I assume he meant the thing about til death do you part, but I could be wrong. That's how I interpruted the text anyway, but it's a really malevolant line. Good work there. I really liked the scene where Athena comes in and finds the husband, excellent description of her reaction. How horrible to not only find her husband dead, but also his mistress, if you would call her that, dead as well. Pretty grisly.

I understand what you were trying to do with the flashbacks, but they tend to pop up at early junctures in the script and don't linger for very long. I would either have fewer flashbacks or extend them a little bit, because they are rather short and take away from the overall scene, especiall the Thompson interoggation scene. But I did like the flashback where Hank was dressing in the mirror and Athena slaps his but, nice touches that again felt very true of married life. I'm not married myself, but I assume that's what people do. It all feels very genuine.


Quoted Text

ATHENA
All I wanted was the fairy tale.


Absolutely beautiful line. I'm guessing it means that she wanted the happy ending, faithful husband, maybe a little more than just being a married couple, maybe parents. Either way, it's a rather moving moment.

I'm not sure I fully understand the scene with Jenny, Scott, Darla and Sherry. I get that Sherry was having an affair with Hank, but it's Jenny I'm mostly confused about. At the beginning of the scene, where she is about to tell Scott everything, she seems very emotional and on the vcerge of tears. Then she walks away, we have a scene with the other two, then we come back to Jenny and she's fine. She tells the story kind of as a joke, laughing and messing around. I'm not sure what you were trying to go for in this scene, but I don't think it works particularly well.

Why is wave spelt twice in the following scene with an "I" in there? Simple typo? And having two characters with almost the same name, Harriet and Harry, is not a good idea. I have a close friend named Harriet and we actually call her Harry for short, so I don't think that was a terribly good idea, even if the other one doesn't have any dialogue.

The death scene with Jenny and Scott is fairly brutal, it's a great kill but I have a problem with two things. The first being that we only know these two people for one scene before they die, there's no sympathy there and thus the death doesn't have the same impact as it would had we really known them well. The second is that this killer seems to have superhuman strength to be able to drive the wooden stake down through two human bodies, through bones, skin and flesh and then drive it into the ground underneath them. He's not a superhero or anything is he? Maybe he's a drug addict or something, but that just seemed a little improbible to me.

Athena's husband is murdered and she eats cottage cheese? Does it have to be cottage cheese? That seems a little strange to me because I don't think the first place I'd go after losing a loved one is the old cheese tub. I'd make it ice-cream at the very least, but I'm a fool for the classics. Seriously, I'm writing something now where a guy gets tied to the traintracks and has to escape before a train comes. That's how much I love classics, but that's really off topic and this review is getting really long, so I'd best continue quickly. She wipes the tears and snot away, OHHHHHKAY. Nothing like a little snot. I do actually like that touch though, very good.

This Thompson guy seems like a bit of a butthole, if you'd ask me. I think you do a good job of getting his "tough-as-nails" character down, unless you were trying to make him a nice guy we can identify with. If that's what you were going for, then you have really failed here, but I think that you've intended him to be an asshole character that we hate.

I really liked the kind of interrogation scene outside the police station, you really do a good job with bombarding Athena with all this stuff after she's lost her husband, and it does ask the question of whether or not she really is going insane. It's very possible. Kathy is also a great character, kind of reminds me of Margot Verger from Thomas Harris's Hannibal novel, in a weird way. But I like that she's a strong woman, because I don't particularly care for the way women are often depicted in these kinds of movies.

I think that the ensuing attacks on Sherry and Athena are well written and have that kind of girl being chased by killer atmosphere from the Scream movies. When Thompson is interrogating her again, the way you've written the insert demonstrates how she may be going insane. It proposes the question again, much like the scene with Katgy. I haven't reached the end yet so I'm still playing the guessing game a little bit.

Really, really liked the flashback with Darla and Hank. Now you're contrasting with the lovable, satisfied Hank of the opening scene with this absolute scumbag Hank. The housewife line really burned me because of the way he has placed women on this mantle. I'm not saying you view women this way, but I am very aware of these kinds of constructions that women are beneath men and only good enough for places like the kitchen and the bedroom.

Great storytelling device of trying to make the deaths all different and stand out by having Harriet be on the phone to Ashley, and have her describing the scene we're reading. I think that was really creepy and very well written. Perhaps Ashley isn't telling a story so much as relaying an already known plan...? Maybe Ashley knows more than she's letting on??? I mentioned I'm reviewing as I'm reading right? God this review is getting long.

The interrogation scene where the group of six women are gathered around to me was very brutal and I'm not sure that emotional brutality was completely necessary. Athena has already been through so much during the first half of this script, is there any good reason why you are continuing to tourment her with these emotional bombardments? Tricia was the main outlet of this, but I just didn't understand why they were saying these awful things, perhaps those should be trimmed back a little bit.

Moving the women into the high security facility was a really good move, I think. There are so many hallways and rooms and such that it's really a perfect setting for somenthing like this. While I'm a little confused as to how the killer got a knife in there, I'm sure this will be explained. This ending is shaping up to be really good.

At the page 95 mark, you seem to be making a big deal about how the facility is safe, even after Tricia has already been completely butchered, so hopefully how the killer smuggled a knife in, or how an outsider managed to get past all of these obsticles will be explained properly.

Well, well, well it was KATHY after all. It explains why she was a bodybuilder of sorts, also explains the killer's extraordinary strength and speed and you alos used Kathy because she worked at the high security facility. A smart person probably could have figured that one out, but I'm regretably dense so I didn't. Pretty good twist ending, I certianly didn't see it coming. It was too bad, I really liked Kathy, she was nice and supportive of Athena when she needed her the most, and it turns out she wasn't really there for Athena at all. She was just revelling in her own selfish games. Excellent work on the ending, George.

Nice smash ending, with ANOTHER KILLER there. I don't full understand this, but I'm guessing you did it because it was one of those classic horror elements. All in all a very good script. Very much reminded me of Wes Craven's efforts with the Scream series. It also had a lot more character development with Athena and her relationship with Kathy than one would normally find in a horror movie. Anyway, thanks for a good read and I'm really sorry for the length of this review, but I'm just trying to be thorough.


Cheers, Chism.

[The Reviewer]

Abe at SimplyScripts left a massive review:

George,

Going through your story and commenting in chronological order. I have already read the story, so I might bring in info from later in the story.
I apologize for the way I critique scripts.
As a newspaper editor, I have a habit of rewriting stories. Take all of my suggestions as just random thoughts that you can use or discard.

My aim always is to stimulate thought. So in the end, no producer can ask you a question that you cannot answer. Cover all basis.

**** Spoilers up the Crack *****

Okay opening. Setup works, however...

Really Work the scene between Hank and Jody.
Hank is a charming manipulator. Jody is young, seemingly naive, certainly infatuated.

So let’s see something that reflects their character.

Jody wants to stay the night. Hank would love that, but says No.
She’s disappointed.
Hank makes up for it by suggesting they have Round 2 in the shower – after Jody goes downstairs to get a couple of beers. (Another example of his “Me First” thinking.)

Hank should like to control woman. Every chance he gets he exercises his power. He feeds off of this.
Power.

All right, I admit it. This is my selfish request to see a charming womanizer like Hank get his in the Shower.
Hack, hack, hahaha.

When Hank is in bed and thinks he sees the faceless figure at the window, do not, I implore you, do not have him Rub his Eyes before doing a double-take. That is so corny.
Maybe Hank reaches over and puts on his glasses. Perhaps he gets out of bed and goes to the window.

The first flashback on Pages 5-6 shows the lovey dovey couple, but I think again you could do more with it.
Not sure what, though, Just my take on this scene.

On P-6, you mention that Athena watches her husband's body get wheeled out and that she “looks at the floor, as if stunned.” How about making it decisive. She looks stunned. Is stunned. Or she sits in shock.

You might even have the investigating officers or detectives at the scene, comment about her condition.

When Kathy arrives on the scene, Tighten the dialogue that follows. Something like…

KATHY
I saw the police -- Athena. What going on?
ATHENA
It’s Hank…
Thompson
Who are you?
Athena
Hank’s gone.
Kathy
Dead… ?
THOMPSON (O.S.)
Someone killed him..
Kathy
Oh my God.

Athena has to show that her first concern is for her friend.

Have Kathy introduce herself to Det. Thompson. Athena is too traumatized.

I think Thompson would not say to Athena “it’s up to you” regarding whether Kathy stays or leaves. Especially after informing Kathy that he needs to ask her some questions.

It might be Okay. Maybe you are thinking that Thompson could question Kathy later.

Once Thompson questions Athena, your dialogue is more succinct. Believable.
_______________________

I hate to sound like a broken record, but I’d like to see you do more with the flashback dialogue between Hank and Athena on Page 10.

Why not take this scene and make it substantial. Make it a integral part of the story.
What am I thinking?

How about making Dad the survivor. Not Mom.
Athena visits him to keep him company and cook for him. Okay, now if Dad is Alive, maybe he lets it be known to us, that he doesn’t like Hank. Maybe he’s never trusted the guy. Hey, he's a heavy drinker.

Boom. Now you have another suspect.
Dad, can’t be that old. Maybe 50-55. Still fit, still active. Certainly capable of being the slasher.

Maybe Dad goes out for the evening. Now Athena has a reason to call Hank. She’s all alone. She's worried about Dad. He’s not himself.

By creating Dad as a suspect, we also have to question Athena’s credibility (later). Because we don’t know if she’s telling the truth.

I don’t get this. Kathy is a good friend to Athena, but Hank has never met her? She lives next door. I know she looks different now than when she and Hank were married, but he would know her if he saw her… well, perhaps. Or perhaps not.
This is just a logical first thought, but it could be Okay.

This is why I love your use of flashbacks.
We don’t know who’s story is fact and which is fallacy.
Great job, George.

Page 11. God, this Hank is a real piece of work.
Inviting a student to his home and doing her in his bed. Yeah, he deserved to die a horrible death.


Potential Problem: In flashback, Kathy is looking out her window, watching Jody enter the Michaels’ home. I picture her with a pair of binocs, watching every move. Of course this didn’t happen, but remember, Kathy is the killer, so the last things she’s going to say is that she’s staring out the window, drinking water…

She’s at the window because… she heard loud rock ‘n roll music from Jody’s car.

Or maybe even better, Kathy was outside for a jog. And noticed Jody hug Hank.

Black address book? Little black book. Hmmm...
Athena knows about it.
Is Hank suck an arrogant p***k that he would blatantly write down women’s name and phone numbers for anybody to see? All on the same page?

I’m troubled by Hank being a young college professor, who seems to be bedding every co-ed on campus. He doesn’t have tenure. He’s begging to get fired. But, perhaps you want him to operate on the edge. Maybe he loves Risks. Just mentioning it.

Does Kathy own the home in which she live?
Maybe she’s a renter. Maybe there are apartments or condos in the neighborhood. I’d like to see her as a renter because she can remain mobile. Move in anonymously.

Although this is nothing but knit-picking, why didn’t good friend Kathy march over to the Michael’s home while he was entertaining Jody, and let the SOB have it? Just wondering if Thompson would be so brass to ask that question? Guess not. He did ask why she didn't contact Athena.

Not in favor of the flashback with Hank and Athena on 13. You already established their relationship in another flashback and I’m not sure if this F/B adds anything new.

Am I missing the point of this flashback?

Maybe in this f/b Hank explains why he’s got to work late so many nights. Why he has to put in so much overtime at the university. Thus, we understand that he isn’t home much and doesn’t even know who Athena is keeping company with (i.e. Kathy).

Now in thinking about it, maybe Hank does Not answer the phone when Athena calls. Maybe he just listens to the message on the answering machine. Why? Because he is supposed to be working late.

Another reason this might help your story is that if Athena knows that Hank is not home, she might call and leave a message as a sort of alibi. Something that Det. Thompson will listen to later. Of course, she isn't guilty, but this would have us wondering about her credibility.

On Page 14, not sure I understand Athena’s dialogue here:

ATHENA
Irrational? Who are you to
tell me about irrational?
Yesterday, I was doting while
you complained, and now look
at it. It’s all turned upside
down. Explain that to me. How
does that make sense?

I Like it that you’ve set up a scene in Kathy’s home. I’d like to see more of it. Maybe a simple description. Photos maybe. Not of Hank, of course. But I’m thinking, how about a child. Maybe a child they shared. Dead now. [could be part of the motive that drives her to kill]

I think what you can establish in this scene is a little bit about Kathy’s background. Maybe Athena says something insensitive like, “how would you know how I feel? Have you ever lost a husband?”

Kathy can segue off of this to tell Athena (and us) that she has lost a husband. A long time ago. And a child (I’m throwing this in-- again). Now you are foreshadowing what is to come.

ATHENA
All I wanted was the fairy tale.

A good line. But where’s the comeback? Kathy has to have a subtle comeback line because that is all she ever wanted too, right?
Again, you can give a tiny hint at what’s going on in Kathy’s mind. But keep it subtle. Yet carry a cryptic meaning.

It's late. More to come tomorrow.

I’m back-peddling here.

On P. 4, you have Athena driving home. There should be an interior car scene, so we can see her behind the wheel.

P. 8, Thompson tells Athena that most psych. Lessons don’t take place in the bedroom – man, that is cold. Do you want him coming across so heartless?

p.9 – small point. When Athena pulls her mom’s door shut, maybe mention it’s the bedroom door. Initially I thought it was the front door (front doors have to be pushed closed when you are inside), but if it’s mom’s door, it must mean bedroom. No big deal.

P 15 – Maybe skip the greetings part of Scott and Jenny’s dialogue. Launch into Hank/Jody’s deaths. "Did you hear..."

Jenny’s reaction is not what I would expect. Maybe more emotion in her. Her tone sounds Upbeat. What if scott breaks the news to Jen. Then her stunned silence could tell us that she either had feelings for Hank or that she was With Him at some point. Or even the thought that she could have been a victim.

A lot of exposition in the dialogue.
Perhaps Scott does all the expo in his dialogue and Jen is more sullen.

When Scott asks why she’s so quiet, that’s when Jen reveals her past with Hank.

In their dialogue, just after Jen tells Scott that No, she did not sleep with Hank, it reads:

SCOTT
Hey, it’s not illegal or anything.
I mean, you’re eighteen at least.
You are, right.

JENNY
Silly boy. Of course I am. No, we
fooled around. That’sit. It bugged
me, so I never saw him outside of
school again.

Sounds better if Scott says something like “if you slept with him, then he had sex with a minor.”
And Jen responds, “I’m eighteen!”

This is an opportunity to suggest that the professor might have even slept with underaged girls. He never asked Jen how old she was.

The “Silly Boy” thing, I’d save that for a more intimate moment. Here, they’re talking about death. Keep the tone even.

It’s good that you mention Hank “called.” Leading into the black book thing.

Keep Scott on the accusatory path. Maybe he’s pissed, jealous.
Jen should be defending her honor. She didn’t do anything.

End this scene with an argument.

When they argue, or if they argue, then they have to make up. Right? And you know what making up means… That’s your next scene with Scott and Jen.

While I commend you on how you are introducing the students/Women who have been with Hank, you are using the campus at random. Or so it read.
This is why it seems like Hank has slept with most of the woman at the Univ.

I suggest placing this scene at Hank’s canceled psych class. Or in the Psych Building. Then the students are not random. They are his students who have come to class, or at least have gathered at his class.

P 19 Some physical description of Harriet and Ashley.

Notice the dialogue bet. Harriet and Ashley.

Ashley: And I keep making Harry stay…
Harriet: I keep trying to get in the dorm…

They sound the same. Change. Maybe one has an accent suggesting she is from another part of the country. One of them may have a more clipped dialogue.

“They walk back into the throng of students” – I never got the impression there were all these students there. Maybe set up the scene to show the masses.

--- Maybe there is a police investigator, or even Det. Thompson on campus. Talking to students.

P 23 – Scott needs to see Jen then and there to apologize for their argument. It can’t wait.

Instead of having Jen give in with an “OK.”
Have her say something that reveals more. Something like, “I hate you.” A playful I hate you. And then she leaves her dorm room.
A kind of guilty pleasure.
This would also show us that Scott knows which buttons to push and Jen hates that he does this to her.
It might also reveal that the women Hank gravitates toward can be sweet-talked into doing something that might have mixed feelings over.

I like their demise. Made to order. A stake for two.

I’m going along with the P 26 news mention that the Mental Health Facility will be used as a holding pen. Could feel a little planted, but not bad. I mean, who pays attention to news stuff anyway in movies. Props to you.

** This out of place, but does anybody ask Kathy if she ever slept with Hank. I don’t even know if she’s all that attractive. But she is in her late 20s, if I’m recalling correctly.

But somebody’s got to ask.

Ah, but old George is ahead of us here. Right?

Kathy is presented as sort of, a Lesbian.
Her body type, her chumming up with Athena, no male attachments that I know of… it could be read this way and maybe that is your intention. No real mention of her femininity.
She's strong... emotionally and physically. At least that is the vibes she sends.

P. 27 Do not like that scene with Athena talking to herself “did you sleep with him too” thing.

Let us read anger, disgust in her expression or actions.
Maybe she hurls the cottage cheese across the room.
Then breaks down and sobs.

P 28 another flashback and another opportunity to reveal something about Hank and Athena. He focuses on Athena driving to Mom’s place and spending time with her. She should mention how she needs the company, too, because Hank is so busy at the Univ. Show Athena’s need. I don’t know if she works. Doesn’t sound like it. So she’s at home all day and maybe all night. Alone.

This could be good if you want to establish something more in Athena… maybe a tendency toward depression. A little bit of emotional baggage from her past.

At some point, maybe we see that little bottle of Zoloft. Hint, hint.

[The Reviewer]

Abe's review continues

I’m thinking that Kathy should ask earlier if Athena wants to stay at her house.

Women, maybe anybody, would be creeped out staying in a house where a double-homicide has just occurred. And the killer still at large.

In the earlier scene, when the bodies are being carted away, maybe a police officer indicates to Thompson that he/they completed a thorough search of the home.
Just a quick line would do.

Interesting that the faceless figure appears to Athena in daylight. Good choice. Makes her story later sound like it’s all in her head. Killers don’t show up in the day, right?

Don’t know how you are going to pull off Kathy back at home when a frightened Athena bangs on her door.

I mean it’s broad daylight.

NO bathrobe, George. Workout clothes. She’s sweating. But she’s a fitness guru. Maybe Kathy’s got a TV exercise program blaring out. It is in keeping with her character, so use it.

Back to the killer. Quoting scripture generally provides missing clues to the mystery. Sometimes the scripture indicates a deadline? Or a time-frame within which the next killing will occur? Or where the next kill will happen.
Any such thoughts here??

P 31 I guess Thompson is playing dumb. Is he a thinker? A guy with all sorts of ideas, but willing to sit back and let somebody slip up?

Why does Athena want to stay in the house?
No telling how the killer got in. She can’t be this stupid. Hmmm…

Not big on the way Thompson looks at the address book before leading-out the indentations. Maybe we see him thumb through the book first, notice the indentations and then leadens the imprints.

You are showing us the page as an insert.
So how come we don’t see those phone numbers and addresses? Forget the addresses. Stay with phone #s.

Not a fan of the Chief/Thompson conversation.
The detective calls the chief, but the chief has the first line: I saw Mrs. Michaels…

Thompson should have the first line and the chief should sound busier or preoccupied with other things. Yes, this double-homicide is Big, but I just didn’t care for the way the chief addresses the matter. Like he’s at his office window with binocs, watching activity going on in Thompson’s office.

Definitely do not like the P 37 scene with Thompson and the chief. What the chief says sounds like police TV/movie talk. You know, “Good work, Thompson, let’s get a man on every one of them.” Uggghhh.

Better to have the chief remind Thompson that this case is big. Maybe the FBI is in on it. Don’t blow our end of the investigation kind of thing. Maybe the chief is coming from a political position. His neck is on the line if they don’t get this case solved. And maybe he lets Thompson know that his job is also in jeopardy.

Don’t weaken Thompson – he doesn’t have to report to the chief. He’s a veteran cop. He should sound as if He is in control. If there is any conversation with the chief, let the chief initiate the action.

Remember. Every character comes from some place different, psychologically speaking. Everybody can be on the same case, the same page, but each brings his/her own circumstances. His own set of worries.

The chief also has a funny/awkward line:

First thing tomorrow morning.
Get a man on them for tonight.

Maybe lose the first line. He doesn’t need to answer.

P 36-37 George, be aware that Kathy is asking logical questions about Athena’s whereabouts on the night of Hank’s murder. However, these are the same questions the police, Thompson, should have already asked. And Kathy was with Athena when she was questioned. So she should know the answers.

P 38 Drop thompson’s soap opera talk: We have you now. He’s talking to himself and really, we don’t need to hear that.

It might be revealed to Athena here that Kathy has a psych degree. Athena should react with surprise. Why? Because Hank was a psych professor. If Athena knew this information before (and I don’t believe that Kathy would dare mention it), then Athena might have told Hank that her new best friend was a shrink.
Same field and all. See where I’m leading?

P 41-42 Watch the INT/EXT for officer Carver.

P 43 Wrong reaction. Actually Sherry’s first reaction is good. She thinks her hubby is home. The second doorbell ring should be approached with apprehension. There’s a killer loose and a cop stationed in front of her house. Sherry should be nervous. And by all means, she should use the peep hole -- at this point.

P 44 Just my take, but during this sequence, I’d isolate the window in caps to set it apart from the rest of the action.

P 45 You wrote: She crawls to where she dropped the phone, places it on its
cradle for a moment, then picks it up to listen.

George, you’re killing the reader by overexplaining or over-describing an action. ‘Just say She crawls to the phone and punches 9-1-1.’ We get it. So Tighten. Give these scenes a frantic, urgent feel.

P 46 Killer is at Athena’s house? So quick. A second killer???

P 47 I guess Athena has no desire to arm herself. If she’s already confronted the figure in broad daylight and insists on staying in her home, shouldn’t she arm herself?
Even with something like a knife?

P 48 In those tense moments, Avoid having the first words out of a character’s mouth be somebody’s name. Athena shouting “Officer Spenser! Officer Spenser!”

P 49 After Spenser enters the house, turns on the light, his weapon should already be drawn. In fact it should be drawn as he enters the house.

P 50 Revisit some of the dialogue bet. Thompson and Athena and Spenser/Athena. “Mrs. Michaels. Trouble?” doesn’t work for me. And Spenser responds: “Mrs. Michaels, what’s wrong.” All of this sounds written. I know you can do better.

More on its way.

P 51 Dialogue again. When Thompson asks Athena if there’s trouble, her first words are “A little.” She’s got to skip all this stuff about how she was sleeping when our friend paid another visit.” It sounds like she’s talking about a rat in the attic.

Pump more emotion into this. Remember, make Athena seems overly emotional, or paranoid. Something that makes her credibility questionable.

The flash insert of P 51, is that a little theory played out to show how Athena made up her story?
If so, I would think twice about using this device.
You’ve already established that flashbacks are a central part of this story and now you are using what could be misconstrued as a flashback.

P 52 Thompson uses the same phrase as Athena: The victims
were visited once by this guy.

I’m referring to the word “visited.” Not a biggie, just pointing it out.

P 54 The Hank/Darla conversation.
Get in late, get out early. Have darla cut to the chase. Either: “I’m here to talk about our future…

Or “You said you were going to leave your wife.”

Keep the dialogue Edgy.

P 56

So Darla says:
I could tell the board. Student-
teacher relationships are
forbidden. You’ll be fired.

Is she talking about herself? I thought she was a teacher. Or does Darla know about Hank’s affairs with students?? If so, there would be no point for Darla to talk about him leaving his wife. The word monogamous is not in this guy's vocabulary.

P 61 Uggh – this bit of dialgoue is so June Cleaver, Harriet Nelson, Donna Reed:

HARRIET’S MOM
Now Harriet, you know I don’t
approve of you going around with
that Ashley Carter. I think she’s
a bad influence on you.

And I think there could be more to Harriet and Ashley’s dialogue. More than just small talk.
Didn’t they both have affairs with the Professor?

I like the little setup kill of Harriet.
With Ashley on the phone.
Can you take it further?
Maybe have Harriet recognize the killer (after the mask is dropped) and blurt out a name.
Ashley hears it through muffles and thinks Harriet’s getting back at her.
Maybe Harriet was in therapy and had a session with Kathy. This would also give you another opportunity to have a victim who recognizes the killer.

P 69 I thoroughly dislike the scene of the killer outside of Harriet’s house, after doing the nasty deed, then stopping to scratch a name off a list. This is flat-out lame.

The conference scene is interesting.
To gather all of the “next victims” probably would not happen, but I like it.

One think bugs me. How could the police put Athena in the same room with the women her husband screwed? That just seems cruel.

P 74 Laura asks “does anyone know why we’re here?” Duh. Det. Thompson is in the room, right? If they don’t know why they are there, how did the police get these ladies to come to the station?

P 79 thompson says “if one of you bolts… consider yourself guilty." Come on. Is he just BSing the girls? Bolting proves nothing. He must be playing mind games.

P 80 I just can’t buy these skeptical women all agreeing that staying in a mental facility is going to save their lives. They change their minds almost in unison based on what? Because Thompson says:
Inside the facility, you’ll all
walk out alive. I can’t make
the same guarantee about staying
home, based on the last few
nights.

Darla raises two very logical points that never get answsered: 1 – what if the killer makes no moves during the night the girls are pent up?; 2 – Although she assumes the killer is “none of them,” what do the other women think? Somebody here has to suspect that the killer is among them. So to be pent up with a possible killer, that won’t fly.

The only person to be cleared of murder at this point is Athena.

Once the women agree to stay at the mental ward, they should have to sign an release saying they are doing so willingly.

On p 82, who is Arlene Johnson?

The mental facility seems very sterile. Probably perfect for a good murder. One of these girls has got to ask for videos/dvds, a ton of junk food, her laptop, maybe, and of course, the cell phone.
Address this earlier. In the conference room.
No cell phones. Why? No cell phone reception.

In this big, empty, seemingly cavernous facility, why don't the women hear Tricia Screaming?

Why does Kathy have to kill on this night? Why would she risk it? If Ashley heard Harriet mention her name over the phone, maybe Kathy has to get to her before she remembers the name.

I don’t know, George. You’ve got a ton of exposition between Athena and Kathy at the story’s end. Can you spread some of this. Maybe a lot of this info should have been revealed at her home. Thompson could find it
Afterall, Athena doesn’t have to know the whole story. But we the audience do.

On P 115, Darla’s dialogue has a missing word “tell.”

Here are my final thoughts:

Hate to say this, but if Kathy’s motives were true, she would kill all the women and frame Hank. She would want him to suffer; ruin his sexcapades.

1 - It isn’t a reach to guess who the killer is. Once we suspect her and it turns out to be Kathy, well, the ride takes a bit of a nosedive.

2 - Determine who are your core characters and who are the stock characters.

3 - Don’t try to flesh out every victim. You waste valuable pages and in the end, who cares about those ladies anyway. Flesh out only the core characters.
Remember, this is not a situation where all of the ladies on the list are holed up in the same camp site, or the same haunted house, or even the same building.

4 – Tension and suspense sometimes goes flat. This is because there aren’t enough Suspects. Too many victims! What to do?? Turn victims into suspects.
Every woman is a potential suspect. Every women harbors a secret. Make it happen.

Think about the best of the thrillers. The one in which have you bouncing suspicion from one person to another. That’s the fun of it. Guessing the next victim is no challenge.

5 –Athena should be a suspect all the way to the end.
We shouldn’t know if she is credible or some mental case. Same for her Dad (if he is the one remaining parent). My idea was to have Dad disappear when Athena visits, so the police cannot question the old man. When the police do catch up with Dad, later, he’s hacked up. If we ever thought Athena was innocent, bang, we’re back to wondering if she killed him. (Kathy can kill dad easily. She knows Athena drives up to see him every week. And then frames Athena.)

You have used the flashbacks on the so-called women on the list. They’ve told their stories.
But at the little conference, we find out that each harbors a “secret” that makes her a suspect.

Thompson is no dummy. He checked into each woman’s background. And the things he came up with.

Maybe: Mindy had an abortion and is tormented because Hank made her get rid of the baby; maybe one of the woman has a criminal past; maybe one was arrested for killing a parent, but was acquitted for lack of evidence; maybe one was in a mental institution for being an arsonist. And Ashley is one of those women who brings up eerie stories that she has researched.
Like when this serial killer in Texas was finally caught, but that the murders continued. Because the killer had an accomplice.

You get what I’m saying?
Everybody is a suspect. Keep us guessing.
Make us pay attention to little details because it could be a clue.
Make Thompson a smart detective.
Maybe the Killer wrote her name in the address book. To make it appear she was a victim.
Create suspicion. Keep us off-balance, George.

The women would never all agree to be detained in some mental facility because they are using logic to decide. One is worried about missing out on her Saturday night date. Another is worried about missing church. Boo hoo.
So how to get these women to agree??? Fear. Use the fear factor.
Thompson says they are waiting on one more women in the book. This gives the women in attendance ample time to say whatever. Then Thompson drops the bomb:

Linda Allen won’t be joining us. She died tonight at 7:25. Her car blew up enroute to the station. Or was found with her throat slashed just minutes ago.

Now the girls are spooked. They will think that the killer is “out there” and not in the conference room.

Another thought. One of the woman we meet is really undercover. A police woman.

Another thought. A police officer at the Micheals’ home crime scene is a talker. He could be spouting theories that drives Thompson up the wall. This officer’s purpose would be to provide Kathy with info. Unwittingly of course. Kathy knows how to get info out of people.

Maybe Kathy is slick. Maybe when Thompson goes to her place, she has rigged the house to blow. Destroys all the evidence. Maybe even get rid of Thompson. Or maybe not get rid of him.
Have you seen many movies where the detective visits the house of the killer, finds all the creepy evidence and then discovers he cannot get out alive. We see the evidence, but nobody else does except for the detective who is about to die. What a segue for a sequel.

If you’re going to use flashbacks, why not have all of Athena’s encounters with the Faceless Figure told in flashback? This will keep us wondering if she is telling the truth, or if she’s delusional as Thompson and the police suspect? Or if she is just flat out lying. We won’t know till the end.

Take advantage of every opportunity/scene/dialogue to create mystery and propel your story. Remember, this might seem like a slasher-horror movie but that’s only half the story. This is a murder mystery if you want it to be. It’s not about victims. It’s about Who’s the Killer?
** Spoilers ***

And remember, not all murders have to be on the screen.
Remember “Silence of the Lambs” when somebody described the condition of the nurse that Hannibal dismantled. Something about being about to save one of her eyes.

One last thing. Why did Hank marry Kathy? And why did he divorce her. Did she put him through school?
Maybe when Thompson visits Kathy’s home, he learns this and other information about Kathy.

If you tweak this script just right, I can see it going places. It can be one of those terrific whodunits disguised as a slasher film, with murders, a bevy of buxom babes and edge-of-your-seat tension.

Well, there you have. Good luck on the rewrites. This was a really fun story.

One more thing, George.

I'm hoping you will give Athena a strong(er) character arc, figuratively and literally.
She starts at a point of weakness, of being victimized.
I'd like to see Athena get decidedly tougher and wiser.

When they are in that conference room and Tricia or whoever is spouting off, I just wanted Athena to knock the s*** out of her. Just deck her for being so disrespectful. This sends a message to the others, too.
I could cheer on a character that doesn't take crap over and over.

The more I think about it, the more I'm wondering if Athena shouldn't be the one to recognize the Figure's voice.
It could be a thing where Athena mentions to Kathy in passing, that she noticed something familiar in the Figure's voice. Something in her speech pattern, or something...

Kathy will then have to redirect her plan.

I firmly believe the reason Kathy goes into the facility to kill on that particularly night was to get get every last girl --Athena, included. Because Athena is getting too close to identifying the killer.
I did not want Kathy, at the end, saying how she wants to frame Athena for the murders.
That time has past.
The rules have changed.
Now she wants Athena dead...

In the end, when we see that figure outside of Athena's window, it might well be Kathy.
She was shot, but not killed.
She might even have on a protective vest or body armor.
She might have escaped enroute to the hospital.

I like Kathy's potential as an unstoppable killer.
I like the idea that she is into physical fitness.
It reminds me of the Travis Bickell character.
Once he undestands his purpose in life, he completely dedicates himself to the mission.
Kathy could be the same way.
A killing machine. With this fixation on building her body into a weapon. Wow.
She could come back for the sequel and be a holy terror (ha ha).

Good going, George. I'd pay to see this movie.

[The Reviewer]

Curse at SimplyScripts says:

Hey!

Sorry for the long wait, I've been busy for a whilst. Here is the complete review though

Why are these people getting killed? How could Hank act so loving but actually eyeing his students? I'm excited to know the answers to these questions, and I can't wait for the ending.

There have been a few problems though. The first with some of the students. Mainly Ashley. I had to read the passage with her in it three times before realizing she was a girl! I've known boys and girls with the name Ashley, and I think you should make it a bit clearer for us. Also, the same goes for Harriet. In fact, I didn't even find out if Harriet was a boy or girl. Maybe it's just be, but please tell us!

Also, the package that Athena recieved. "Happy Birthday, Hank" - was it supposed to BE for Hank or was it from HANK to Athena? I'm confused. Please tell us whose birthday it is.

"The Figure steps one foot onto the walland leaps off of it to follow her in the other direction." - Wow! Great action there!

"He puts the book down on his desk. He takes a blunt pencil from a holder. He lightly rubs the side of the lead across the page, coloring it. As he does, indentations of names, addresses and phone numbers appear." - Very smart! That's very great and unique indeed!

My favourite character so far is Sherry. I think she is great, I don't know why I like her. I'm worried about her name being on the list. Another question now, what is the list for?

"Sherry stands at the vanity in her bathroom, dolling herself up." I liked this piece of action very much. It sounds great "dolling herself up".

Then, without warning, he opens the door and jumps out
to find-

NOTHING.

Wow! You really got me there! I think you've got great suspense here, right throughout the script.

"She opens the door with teacher finger ready to scold." Ha! I just can't stop laughing about this!

"On the other side of the door stands the faceless figure, looking at her." Nooo! Sherry can't die! She's way too cool!

The action and dialouge on Pg.44 is great. It's creepy, and it adds a touch of classic with the whole 'phone cutting-lights off' thing. I think you've done this great.

"He darts across the room to her with unbelievable speed." Creepy!

SHERRY tries opening the window, residential windows are. - Cliche! But one that fits perfectly!

Gasp! Nooo! Poor Sherry!

"The figure stops the knife short of puncturing the mattress." Now, this is what is really good. Now, even if Athena does report this to the police again, this won't be evidence to proove it! Now, he's chasing after her. But there's a problem. Didn't this figure have super-amazing speed before?

Pg. 56. Hank's first dialouge. Now we see that he's a total jerk. He seems to be able to get anyone he wants. Every girl must get a Hank!

Pg. 60s Hey! I found out that Harriet is a girl! Oh. I feel a bit sorry for Harriets mother. I think you've done very well in displaying and writing the thoughts and emotions into action in this script. It's great! But, if I ever talked to my Mother like that, I'd get a good slap round the face Oh, and also when Ashley say 'Ohmygod', shouldn't it be 'Oh my god', or if she's saying it swiftly, "Oh-my-god"?

"He could be in your closet, waiting for you to come in. And now, while you’re all occupied, talking to me, he could come creeping out of the closet to get you." --- "The closet door slowly opens behind Harriet without a sound. The faceless figure steps out and does everything just as Ashley
describes it." Now that is great. There's great tension here, and I'm basically shouting either "Get out the way! He's going to get you!" or "You should die for being rude to your mother!"

Oh, one more thing about Ashley, Harriet, and Harry. The names Harry and Harriet got me a bit confused sometimes. There's no need to change this, but I'd like to point it out.

"The person looks down at the page of the address book from the Michaels’ house and crosses off Harriet’s name." This is screaming Detective. I hated him in the first place, and I'm starting to get suspicious!

"Geez, chill Mr. Schwarzenegger." You know, this screenplay is creepy, suspensful, and also really funny. I like the way you put the three things together!

On Page. 78, I'm getting a little confused. Athena uses "she" to describe the killer, but everyone else seems to be using "he" - or maybe it's because Athena heard the voice. You should tell us that Atena heard a woman's voice. No-one can seem to decide whether he/she was a he or she!

Darla is annoying. She's jealous of Athena because of Hank, even though he's dead. Can't she just get over it?

There is a problem. You should tell us whether someone is a male or female! I can't picture Ohsome of the characters because of this, and also you don't write anyone's age down!

I knew Tricia would be the first of the group to die! Those kind of people always go down first! Oh, and now we've rectified that the killer is a she. That's good, seeing as most killers tend to be male. I always preferred the female serial killers! Another problem, it seems that this killer only uses her amazing speed when she wants to, not when she needs to.

Pg. 96-97. The Detective is now entering the house. He unlocks a door with a credit card. Is that even possible? If so, tell me how!

Whoa, seems like this person is a bit obsessed. It also seems like Hank was married before. That's strange. The detective is starting to read out from a book. It is quite godly, maybe the killer is... Mindi! It's a girl, and repeats sentences about God! Mindi! MINDI!

There is something going on weird here. It seems that it isn't Mindi who is the killer. No Mindi, it isn't Tricia, it's a karate-chop to your throat. Crushing her voicebox? Oh my. I feel a bit sorry for Mindi Poor Mindi. It's so sad how she was singing and the stupid killer was killing her.

Gah! This killer keeps changing it's gender!

All the odds are basically against Athena. Her husband. Her being in the room. She's always at the wrong place at the wrong time, and it works! But, again with the gender changing.

Oh, I don't think the Detective would be so 'intent' if the Doctor just found a dead woman's body on the ground.

Gender change again. Darla threw a chair at the figure. I would still be in frozen shock. It seems that Athena didn't like Darla so much, I'm glad you sort of made these two opponents. Oh, and another gender change.

Pg. 108-109 What is (re: Ashley)? These two, Darla and Athena, are enemies. But now they're forced to work together. I like how you've done this. Maybe they'll be friends at the end.

KATHY?! KATHY?!?! WHAT? Woah! Huge twist here! I never suspected Kathy of all people! KATHY! She was married to Hank? What? Woah!

Go Darla! Wow, you've really got some action going on here. I can't believe it was Kathy!

What's this? Pg. 118, what is this figure standing outside the window? How?
------
So, 118pages and a few dead bodies later, and I must say I did actually enjoy this screenplay.

GOOD:
- Great character development and dialouge.
- Written extremely well.
- Creepy, Suspensful, and at the same time - sorta funny!
- Big shock factor ending!
- The deaths were all down-to-earth and not supernatural.
- Not too slasher--Not too gory!

BAD:
- The changing of the killer's gender.
- Sherry and Mindi died.
- Not very much for me to gripe on about.

Well, it was a great script. I think you should make a few changes. And, I beg of you, I really really beg of you, please change the Killer's gender to just one - female. I don't think Kathy is a transvestite, so you should just leave it at one gender. Please change this! I hope my review was of some use, sorry about the wait.

Curse! =]