Post by The Reviewer on Nov 23, 2005 11:35:10 GMT -5
bha26 at TriggerStreet says A lot of problems, but with potential here:
Overall I think you have the basis of a good little thriller here, but I think the execution of the idea is lacking. The good thing is that all of these problems are fixable because technically there isn't a lot wrong with the writing. The dialoughe didn't fly off the page but did what it needed to do. The main problem again is the execution of the story. I think the beggining was good and set up the story well by having Donna be left by her mom. That was good. It wasn't so good when if flashed to the future and both of the charecters were basically losers. You need a sympathetic lead and I dind't feel that Kelly was one, because waht did she really have going for her? She was 26 and still lived with her mom. I would make her an independent woman that pays her own bills and Donna's bills. They live together and Donna just freeloads off of her, but Kelly being a good person deals with it. Donna, meanwhile self destructs all her relationships. That was actually done pretty effectivly but again would be better if it was in the context of Kelly having more to offer. I thought the Kelly-Tom relationship went way too fast and was not realistic as far as them getting married goes. Way too soon. How about just make them get hot and heavy and have Donna do the attacking rather early in their relationship. THrow the whole marriage out and then instead of flashing forward two years(not nearly wnough time for her to get out of priosn) flash forward 10 or so years. Now they are a happily married couple that has put all of this in the past until their past comes back to haunt them. Just some ideas. -- November 23, 2005 - 12:18 AM
Overall I think you have the basis of a good little thriller here, but I think the execution of the idea is lacking. The good thing is that all of these problems are fixable because technically there isn't a lot wrong with the writing. The dialoughe didn't fly off the page but did what it needed to do. The main problem again is the execution of the story. I think the beggining was good and set up the story well by having Donna be left by her mom. That was good. It wasn't so good when if flashed to the future and both of the charecters were basically losers. You need a sympathetic lead and I dind't feel that Kelly was one, because waht did she really have going for her? She was 26 and still lived with her mom. I would make her an independent woman that pays her own bills and Donna's bills. They live together and Donna just freeloads off of her, but Kelly being a good person deals with it. Donna, meanwhile self destructs all her relationships. That was actually done pretty effectivly but again would be better if it was in the context of Kelly having more to offer. I thought the Kelly-Tom relationship went way too fast and was not realistic as far as them getting married goes. Way too soon. How about just make them get hot and heavy and have Donna do the attacking rather early in their relationship. THrow the whole marriage out and then instead of flashing forward two years(not nearly wnough time for her to get out of priosn) flash forward 10 or so years. Now they are a happily married couple that has put all of this in the past until their past comes back to haunt them. Just some ideas. -- November 23, 2005 - 12:18 AM