Old Friends

[George Willson]

Donna moved in with Kelly as an unwilling foster sister when they were sixteen years old. Ten years later, they share a codependent relationship until Tom comes along and whisks Kelly off her feet, leaving Donna completely behind. This sends Donna into a desperate frenzy of possessiveness, stalking, and murderous ambitions.

Click here to read Old Friends.

[bryan00009]

A shallow, empty, juvenile, lesbian fantasy-violence revenge flic. Lesbian One leaves Lesbian Two so Lesbian Two tries to murder One's husband and child. The End. A unimaginative one-note story, the characters have no depth or complexity, are completely unsympathetic, the dialogue looks like it was written by a fourteen-year-old, is completely banal or on-the-nose. It doesn't get any better.
The formatting looks good, but so what? There just ain't no story here.

[George Willson]

This is some interesting feedback. Perhaps you'd like to point out some specific instances of what you're referring to, or even offer suggestion for improvement. For instance, why do you find it shallow, empty, or juvenile? What parts of the dialogue are on-the-nose? Why do you feel it was written by a fourteen year old? While I can see your angle on your synopsis and how the story can be taken that way, your review simply says the script sucks, but it doesn't offer why. If you were to give some of the reasoning why you came to this conclusion, perhaps I could take steps to improve it.

After all, the point of posting is to get an idea of where it stands. Based on what you left, what would you have me do? Your review implies "Abandon the project entirely and give up writing forever." Seems a little unreasonable from someone who has only reviewed one thing I've ever written.

[The Reviewer]

Bert on Simplyscripts said:

Nice to see this one up, George. Your WIP thread got me very curious about this one, and it turned out pretty well, too. Got some thoughts for you on this one:

(SPOILERS)


* The opening scene seems a little stilted. I understand you are trying to establish the situation quickly, but as I read this scene, I thought the dialogue was defeating your purpose. Why not try this scene with less dialogue to help move it along -- in fact, I can envision this scene working very well with virtually no dialogue at all. There’s no need for all this discussion amongst the characters. What if this swap has been prearranged -- agreed upon -- and these women are simply going through the motions of exchanging Donna with sad acceptance? We’ll understand what is happening to Donna, I think, particularly when she begins to cry. I think Anne should cry, too. And anyway, your story fills in the specific details of what happened that day for us later.
* The “cigarette kiss” is a nice touch. It says a lot about these girls. Not sure “bizarre” is the adjective I would choose here, though.
* “Oh, look…here’s the tazer”. It’s a detail that plops down like a big ol’ shoe. Try to find a more subtle way to establish the presence of this item.
* Hmm…Tom has an interesting job, doesn’t he?
* On page 44. Tom chats with Francine a bit too much. Kind of a “yawn” scene here for me.
* On page 50, who is this “Wendy” that Tom mentions? Did I miss something?
* Tom proposes? I realize why this development is important in terms of the story, but that doesn’t mean that I can just “buy” it, you know? A bit much, in my opinion. At least, the way it plays out in this version. I am not sure how to fix it, though.
* On page 83, Tom says, “Her actions aren’t fair to either one of us.” Master of the understatement, this Tom. That line is too stiff, and really rubbed me wrong.
* On page 87, wedding cakes aren’t cut with a knife. They use some wussy kinda cake-cutting tool that isn’t very menacing at all. Most people won’t care, though, probably. Just saying.
* Page 99: Gosh, Tom seems pretty understanding when he talks to Mark. Seems like Mark would be willing to let Donna go, and I can’t believe that Tom isn’t pushing for just that. It seems unbelievable that he isn’t, in fact. Story-wise, I think it makes more sense for Tom to be unaware that she works there. Try having Donna discover Mark first, instead of the other way around. There is more opportunity for suspense that way.
* On page 111, I wouldn’t have Tom cry. But that’s just me.
* I don’t understand Francine’s function during the climax of this story.
* And the very, very end – even though we are at 120 pages already, the final scene seems a bit abrupt.

For me, this story takes a little long to get rolling. It’s not until page 80 or so that we get some actual bloodshed. But that is just me, and I am pretty immature about that kind of stuff. There are plenty of others that prefer the long, slow build-up you have here. See what some other readers think about the pace before making big changes, I think.

I feel that I understand Tom and Kelly pretty well, but I get a strange sense of ambiguity from Donna. Is there a sexual component to her behavior or not? Your WIP thread said “no”, but I get a clear “yes” from many events in this story (pages 58/59 in particular), despite Donna’s vehement denials (and yours, for that matter). It feels like you can’t quite make up your mind and are trying to have it “both ways” (haha). Anyway, kidding aside, this is a large aspect of Donna’s character, driving virtually everything that happens in this story, so I think these questions demand a definitive answer if we are going to understand her as we should.

So, because I know that you can write pretty fast -- and that you don’t hyperventilate at the thought of rewrites – I will acknowledge this as a pretty solid initial draft. I would call this “great” from some of the other writers around here, but for you – yeah, this still needs some tinkering. I think you know that.

But for my two cents, it is not Tom and Kelly that really need to be brushed up. I would really like to understand Donna a little more. More sympathy for her? Or more hatred? Either way, you need to give us a little more on her, I think.

[George Willson]

What I replied on Simplyscripts:

Thanks, Bert, for the comments. Helpful as always.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

Yeah, when the tazer actually came out, I realized that it hadn't been setup anywhere else in the story just like the existence of Donna having a cell phone. That bit is definitely first draft material and needs fixing. Didn't realize I was so blunt about it. D'oh! I think we can just have Donna playing with it. Zap zap zap! Tha'ts enough to establish it.

Wussy cake-cutting tool...you're right. Most won't care, but it blows the reality. Ah, she'll bring her own implement, I guess.

Tom's job...hehe. You know how it is, go with what you know. I figured I hadn't used my job yet, so it was high time I brought i in somewhere. After all, I know it well.

Finally, Donna...hm, how to deal with her. I agree that she needs to be firmly established as either sympathetic or hated. I don't she a hateful character inasmuchas her life has dealt her some unfortunate blows and this is how she deals with them.

As I think I mentioned, Donna is based on a real person that I knew, and the situation in this script is something lifted from my life, mixed up, and made more dramatic. I dated "Kelly" for about a year and a half and "Donna's" antics were what drove us apart...so I guess you could say I was "Billy" but not quite. It was like "Kelly" wanted the relationship to continue, but "Donna" didn't because of her possessiveness. "Kelly" learned a few years after I was outof the picture via a diary what "Donna's" true feelings were, and she was completely wigged out. They were living in an apartment or dorm or something, and "Kelly" just left while "Donna" was out. Didn't give her a chance to say anything or stop her or nothing. Was "Donna" a true lesbian? No. Believe it or not, "Donna" called in to customer service and talked to me, of all people, about her cell phone account. I DID NOT let on who I was or that I knew her. What I did learn, however, was that "Donna" was engaged to some truck driver in a town about 20 miles south of me, meaning she was not truly gay. What she was, and what I had always suspected since she did indicate an interest in the male populace, was that she was in love with "Kelly" and would pursue a relationship with her, but unlikely any other woman. "Kelly" was all about them being sisters and trust and mutual friendship and that kind of thing. "Donna" was in a permanent possessive phase of romantic love. Now that I've written that out, you might be able to figure out the difficulty of portraying this type of personality and relationship on screen without it coming off totally wrong. Any thoughts?

[The Reviewer]

Blake on Simplyscripts said:

SPOILERS

I just finished reading this, and all I can say is "wow". This was a really good script, despite the fact that I hate dramas, but this one was really suspenseful, and I actually wanted to keep on reading.

I hated Donna, and I think everyone was supposed to hate her. I did feel kind of sorry for her at the end though, but she deserved it anyways.The relationship between Donna and Kelly was a bit weird for me. Lol. With Donna liking Kelly like a lover and all. Eww

The most suspenseful scene I think was when Tom came home, and Donna broke into his house. I was like Don't cut it off! Tom punch her or something damn it. Lol. This was a really good drama/thriller/suspense. I would love to see it get produced into a movie.

Did you write any other scripts on here? Good job on this one. I like.

[The Reviewer]

Mike Shelton on Simplyscripts said:

Hey George,

I just wanted to let you know that I'm about 70 pages in on this, and I'm liking what you have so far. To me, it's like a bizarre mix of 'Single White Female' and 'So I married an axe murderer'. Very cool.

Huge props on making Donna, IMHO, one of the most pathetic characters I have ever read.

[Bert]

Hey. Bert here. Popped in again as I do from time to time.

Bryan, something of a goofball, prompted me to post. It is hard to understand people who derive pleasure from ripping others down. Hating the story is fine, but support your assertions, man, or they are meaningless and make you look like a mean-spirited jerk off.

He knows this needs work. I kinda' ripped on it, too. Check out my "reviewer" post to see how it's done, though.

But hey -- George -- at least you are starting to get a little traffic, eh?

[George Willson]

A little traffic, yeah. It's mostly me and my pseudonym, but occasionally someone else pops in for a moment. The Bryan post is definitely a odd thing. He went through the hassle of registering, lied about his age (since I can't see an 89 year old going to the trouble), and then left a crappy review about 15 minutes following his registration. I wonder if he'll ever be back. Hear me, Bryan? I wonder...

[The Reviewer]

nodforlife on TriggerStreet says There's a Better Story Here:

This was a bad screenplay that is not beyond salvaging. I'll deal with the problems chronologically. There is a scene in the garage where Kelly is talking about her history with men and Donna is trying to console her. The lesbian overtones on Donna's part are way too heavy-handed. The fact that she later tries to basically rape Kelly is not a surprise at all. I saw it coming a mile away. Then, after Kelly starts dating Tom, we have not one but TWO scenes when Kelly gets back from her date and Donna is waiting for her in the dark, smoking a cigarette. Both of these scenes are HUGE cliches and should be stricken. Then, Kelly and Tom fall head-over-heels for each other after TWO DATES! Now, I can believe in love at first sight, but when this is the catalyst for Donna going crazy, it seems a bit unbelievable. Donna didn't even give Kelly a chance to be in a relationship and see if she actually does remove her from her life. Her going crazy was a bit extreme. Leaving threatening messages and the eventual attempted murder. How would she even get into the wedding? Wouldn't there be guards or someone there to stop her considering she assaulted Tom a few months before? That made no sense. Then, she goes to jail. Upon release, she somehow coincidentally gets a job at the same cel phone company. That would never happen. Then the ending, with the knife over the baby, he would just shoot her I think. Kelly is way to calm and talkative in the last scene with Donna, considering the cercumstances. Really, this whole thing was a lot of cliched scenes and big emotions that didn't feel warranted. The story of a jealous crush is very old and has been done many times with slightly different details. Here's what I suggest. Start the story when Donna gets out of prison and make it kind of a female 'Cape Fear' situation. I think that would be much more interesting and not as overdone.

You are a good writer, the dialogue was for the most part fine. It was structured, I could detect clear acts. All the characters seemed believable, if not a bit over the top (Donna esp). There is potential here, you just need to tell it in a way we haven't seen before.

Here are my notes as written during the reading:

page 4: doing the nasty, lesbian style? that spells it out a bit much, doncha think
page 11: fancine's speech is too on the nose, too much exposition given the relationships
page 13: the line about the dogs makes no sense
page 15: I really hope donna's not gay because this is way too obvious
page 20: who are these friends of Kelly's? they need to be introduces in the action before the scene starts
page 23: fall down a well? wow, that must really sting....if this was 1840
page 39: ugh the after date confession scene....sigh
page 46: have the KIND of relationsip (sp)
page 55: another one? but now she's SMOKING IN THE HOUSE! OH MY GOODNESS
page 58: Donna, I am like that? huh? you mean she's NOT like that?
page 61: Kelly is now officially the most naive person on earth
page 65: freshen up? do people still say that?
page 69: this seems pretty serious after 2 dates, completed me? did he also have her at hello?
page 70: marraige? WHAT!?!?
page 76: Pulls the door handle (sp)
page 85: she's calling from her own house and has somehow evaded police capture.....
page 88: there's no way donna would get into the wedding at all
page 89: i like how the doctor says bandages or something...because a doctor wouldn't know the proper names
page 92: you already said she was three months old
page 99: i really doubt this would happen
page 108: this is even less believable, 'and then' not 'and them'
page 111: pocketknife? duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuh...sigh
page 113: you know you're as good as fired?! that'll show her
page 113: this standoff makes no sense, if he just shot her she would be pushed back and the knife wouldnt kill the baby -- November 4, 2005 - 4:17 AM

[The Reviewer]

Joelle on TriggerStreet says:

In your notes you say you knew people like this, and they are real. Scary very scary.
Your screenplay needs a lot of work, I hardly know where to begin. I always say that completing a screenplay is a huge accomplishment. Also you seem to know enough about format to make this work in building the format of a screenplay. But the story is weak, the characters so really dumb that being a part of their lives however briefly was painful. Every one of your characters are lacking in common sense. They all seem to have the mentality of a fish. I mean, the dialogue alone, the back and forth diatribes are painful to read.
There's no plot, no action, and when there is action, it's so unbelievable that suspended disbelief cannot work.
Tom's line.. "maybe I should have let her stab me before" and other lines that are too incredulous to be believable.
I'm sorry to come down so harshly on your screenplay, but I really find nothing redeemable about it.
This is a story of two women, one who's got a fatal attraction to the other, it's been done before and done well. So for it to work, you need to give us something new, something we haven't seen.
It's way way too long. Consider making it a short story, but it'snot a screenplay.
I wish you well, good luck with the rewrite. -- November 4, 2005 - 1:39 PM

[The Reviewer]

Xiu on TriggerStreet says Bold Friends:

Where to start, The structure needs work as I was unable to locate any plot points and pacing seemed to drag throughout although there was good dialogue in some places but in others in lacked some what. I suggest examing your dialogue for any talk that sounds unrealistic and change it. Pacing suffered as a result. Format was OK but they're many typos that need to be addressed. Too mnay spell errors put readers off and make you look like a beginner. Overall I did enjoy some parts but I think it needs a re-draft to sort out all those problem. Not a bad effort and I would welcome a re written version. Good luck! -- November 5, 2005 - 6:28 AM

George says: This review felt like a cut and paste job to me. I ran a spell check on the posted draft and found 2 misspelled words. However, I can at least be amused, he made a typo in this very short review that borders on TriggerStreet's rule of not being constructive.

[The Reviewer]

HoosierDoc on TriggerStreet says Lesbian Fatal Attraction Meets Single White Female:

George says: Having seen both of these films, I'll grant the analogies as being interesting, to say the least, given that the real "Kelly" saw the Single White Female analogy between herself and the real "Donna".

Some reading notes: 1) Left margin's incorrect. 2) pg 4 - where inside the company? The factory floor? Sales? Offices? 3) Pg 8 - you've got Fred talking to Donna when she's already walked away. 4) Kelly seems too passive. If she's really interested in Billy, why doesn't she just call him? 5) Your synopsis refers to Kelly and Donna as sisters. Are they really? How could they be in the same year at school? Why were they living in different houses at the beginning? 6) Pg 58 - how can Donna pin Kelly down and still stroke her breasts? 7) Why doesn't Kelly get a restraining order? 8) Why didn't the police go to the Tinker house and get Donna? That'd be the first place they looked. 9) pg 85 - you described Donna in the beginning as a large girl so how can she get through the doggy door? 10) Why didn't she go to prison for attempted murder? 11) pg 98 - I can't believe Tom would keep a job at the same place he worked when Donna tried to kill him. 12) Pg 100 - if Tom had a protective order against Donna, she wouldn't be able to work at the same place that he does. 13) pg 111 - a dropped pocket knife wouldn't kill anyone, at least dropped from the height Donna's holding it. 14) Pg 117 - 10 sleeping pills wouldn't kill. 15) pg 120 - why did Donna become unconscious? 16) Why didn't Kelly call the police to come get Donna?

General: neither of the main characters is particularly likeable. Kelly is a lazy, sloppy (at least around the house) person and Donna is a possessive psycho. Kelly would also have to be a real airhead not to pick up on Donna's intentions toward her. The dialog sounds a little artificial and is often too on-the-nose or expository. Bulk of the work needed, though, is on the story itself. Even if I really cared about the characters and could overlook the bad dialog, the plot has too many weaknesses and holes to be believable. I was never sucked into the story, never felt any kind of danger because everything seemed contrived.

Not a bad effort but still needs a lot of work. Good luck w/ your rewrites. -- November 8, 2005 - 10:23 AM

[The Reviewer]

Burgio on TriggerStreet says Hell Hath No Fury...:

This script is an easy one to read. CHARACTERS; A problem with the script is that Kelly, the main character, isn't very likable (she's lazy and insensitive in the beginning) so that makes it hard for a read to "get into" this script. Could you make her more likable? She's trying to do a good job at work but Donna is dragging her down? She's trying to quit smoking but Donna keeps interfering? PLOT: The plot is good except it takes a long time to get into the meat of the story or the point where Donna becomes dangerous. The sooner we can get a really good look at Donna's evil side, the better. Also, I didn't understand why Tom didn't call the police the first time Donna attacked him, rather than letting her go free to assault him again at the wedding. Seems strange. DIALOGUE: Dialogue tends to get lengthly in spots. Donna seems to spend excessive time explaining how unhappy she is with Kelly's relationship with Tom. After her first attack on him we can see clearly her unhappiness without another word. ENDING: The ending comes across as a little flat because Kelly doesn't do anything to defeat Donna; Donna kills herself. All those things said, there's an interesting story here. It just needs to get to the real action sooner and up the suspense at the ending. -- November 8, 2005 - 11:06 AM

[The Reviewer]

From Der Spieler at Simplyscripts:

George, I read this at work over the course of a few days so forgive me for not taking notes as I was reading.

My overall impession is that you're one of the more talented writers on this site. Frankly, I'm in awe of your ability to produce so much solid material in such a short space of time. You've obviously studied the craft and the plotting and structure of your work is testament to that.

I'll be honest in saying that I didn't particularly enjoy this script. I thoroughly enjoyed The Soul Keeper which I thought was original and well written. This, however, felt a little cliched and predictable.

Your formatting is excellent, your structure is excellent too. I feel bad criticising anyone who writes features since I seem incapable of completing one myself. I can't put my finger on exactly why I disliked this. It kept my attention well enough to finish reading, which is more than can be said for a lot of scripts on here. Your writing flows well, your descriptions are good. I thought the dialogue ranged from very good to kind of average. Sometimes you're a little 'on the nose'. One section that caught my attention was when Francine talks to Tom after Donna has been thrown out. She thanks him for what he's done and explains how she felt when she heard Donna and Kelly arguing the previous night. It all felt a bit unnecessary. Another example is in the final act when Kelly and Tom talk about security, the gun under her pillow etc... This turn in conversation came out of the blue a full two years after Donna was imprisoned. Again, when Tom talks to Donna at the call center, he's being far too nice. It just didn't ring true.

In general, I couldn't decide whether this was meant to be a melodrama or a psychological thriller. There are elements of both but (IMHO) not enough of either. There is suspense, but there is potential for much more.

The premise isn't too original and by page 30 I could predict almost exactly what would happen in the end. It's in the vein of 'Fatal Attraction' and The 'Hand That Rocks the Cradle' neither of which are movies I enjoyed so maybe that's a reason why I didn't love this script. However, I think you could learn from these films because I remember them being very suspenseful throughout.

Don't get me wrong. You're a talented writer and this is a movie I could imagine seeing on TV, but overall it's not my cup of tea.

[The Reviewer]

A second comment from Mike Shelton on Simplyscripts:

George,

I finished this up, and I do agree that Donna is one of those characters that falls into a grey area, which I think makes for a more interesting one.

As far as story progression goes, I definitely saw the path that this one was taking, however that isn't a bad thing, since I think the execution was there.

I will agree with Martin on the pillow under the bed thing, as I think the excessive locks and precautions painted somewhat of a prisoner in their own home scenario, which, IMHO, is more effective than the protective husband.

I would have liked to have seen a little more of Billy in there as I think he could have been used somewhere near the end.

Good read, and I would recommend it to those who enjoy drama/suspense.

Mike

[The Reviewer]

Mike Jones at TriggerStreet says Overdone:

I almost gave up on this one at page 15, since nothing of interest happens by then. The dialogue is pretty dull, like the exchange between Kelly and Donna on pages 14-15. Dull and smack on the nose. Also the action description gives too much attention to trivial details. Dialogue problems and dull action continues throughout the sp. However, I continued to read and got caught up in the underlying story, which, obviously a lot of thought went into, and the material dealt with should have made a compelling script. The writer's vision, that is, what was seen in the writer's head was not translated dramatically and visually to the page. It runs much too long, I'd say by twenty pages. What energy there is, is sucked out by the overlong third act. Needs a lot of work.

NOTES:

Page 7: "We nee to talk..."
Page 13: INSIDE THE HOUSE - needs a proper slug line.
Page 19: Craig, Jennifer, Joe - who are they? What does this flashback do for the story?
Page 23: BILLY - "...go do the world a favor and fall down a well or something." None of these characters speak or act their ages.
Page 40: "Kelly takes a drag and returns her to her mouth"?
Page 54: Scene begins here, ends on page 60. Much too long, and repetitive. This relationship is starting to bore me. Scenes should be written with this in mind: Get in late, get out early.
Page 88: "Bandages or something!" Really, now, would a doctor embarrass himself by yelling that?

I believe screenplays are very difficult to write, more difficult than novels, more like trying to construct a poem. Every word counts. It is a tough task. Takes a lot of time and rewriting. Good luck. -- November 9, 2005 - 11:24 AM

[The Reviewer]

Shedenbo at TriggerStreet says:

This is one of those stories that has an all-too-familiar theme, and therefore needs to not only exploit all of its potential for unpredictability, but needs to capitalize on the 'familiar' feel to the fullest, making the reader/audience relax into the events in the characters' lives. Things have to evoke a memory or psychic recall, or some sort of emotion that produces a "Yeah, I see how that happened." Once that is accomplished, I think this will be a better script.

Consider this partial list of things I have to accept in order to be fully engaged in this story: (1) A mother drops her 16-year-old daughter off with a 'friend' who's obviously unwilling and not all that friendly. (2) Said mother is never seen again, and her only presence is through conversational asides deep into the script, though her behavior and absence is the basis for what happens to her daughter. (3) Kelly had no idea, after 10 years, what Donna was up to? Really? Did Kelly not so much as answer a phone in a decade? (4) At the ages of 26, with both girls sexually experienced, Kelly didn't know Donna was in loe with her. Not buying it. (5) Francine stood by and allowed the pathological relationship to develop. (6) Francine would allow these two grown women to fester their pathetic lives for so long. No. (7) Kelly and Donna always got jobs together? Huh?

Skipping ahead... (8) A supervisor at a major company would sacrifice the safety of longtime employee (or anyone, for that matter) in favor of a felon trainee, in the name of 'diversity.' (9) A communicationa company, with all its technology, would allow trainees such easy access to their records. (10) Tom isn't notified of Donna's release, the parole officer doesn't call the cops when Donna disappears, and all the police say when Kelly is missing is that some cars were stolen and they don't know where to look.

See what I'm saying? It's never good when just about everybody has to be so clueless in order for the story to progress.

The script is too long, but it's full of the wrong things. Not much story in the story. There's no portrayal of how the pair came to this state in their relationship. Kelly goes from hateful and lazy to resonsible and ambitious overnight. Why -- because she met Tom? Tom and Kelly's relationship develops way too fast. There's no reason for it, except a poorly grounded episode from high school. And if there's no reason, there'd better be a ton of passion. I didn't feel it. Francine is inconsistent, and used poorly. Her relationship with the girls should be a thread that runs throughout the story, and arc appropriately. Donna's mother is nonexistent. The early work scene before the women get fired can be cut or deleted (plus, it adds to the sense that Kelly is too dumb for words if she can't see that Donna is crazy). The garage scenes are repetitive. If you show the Billy scene, you don't have to have the pair talkabout it somuch. There's way too much small talk;every line of dialogue should accomplish a task in the story. You don't need so much detail in the narrative, as in choreographing the characters' every movement through the scenes. Just let them get out of cars, open doors, or put out cigarettes.

Too much of the story is told through dialogue, which, in addition to it already being stiff, renders it too expository.

Having said all this to perhaps offer some ideas in improving this as a script, I think you need to reconsider if it's a story that others would want to see. Not denying it as a significant event in people's lives, but questioning its appeal as something an audience would want. It's not really original; there's no unique hook; there's not that much interesting about the characters themselves; the plot is entirely predictable. But, if you decide to stick with the story... well that's why God made creative license. It needs hooks, turns, and twists. The characters need depth, quirks, complexity.

The script needs another proofread for dropped words, typo's, etc. The most glaring is on page 59, at the height of the Kelly/Donna confrontation, when Kelly says, "Donna, I am like that." I'm pretty sure you left out the "not."

Your rewrites should focus on adding layers to the characters and their lives so that the events don't unfold in such a rote and uninvolving manner, and giving some logic to the emotions that would be necessary for a story like this to work.

Good luck with your future efforts. -- November 9, 2005 - 12:39 PM

[The Reviewer]

tarboy at TriggerStreet says No Friends:

Fat girl, sexy girl.

Billy takes a step forward. Donna pulls out the tazer and presses the button. Sparks fly. Billy steps back and looks at her with hatred in his eyes.

The fat protector.

DONNA
I saw him pull up a moment ago. I went out to meet him, and he came onto me. Started grabbing my boobs and stuff. He said he wanted to have a quick one since he wasn’t getting any from you. I told him to get out of here and never come back.

She’s a fat lair.

KELLY
We’re good friends. I’m twenty- six now, and I want physical love. I want to look forward to marriage. I want children at some point. You can’t give me that, no matter how hard you try.

Everything a man wants.

22)
TOM
Really? I’m sorry I don’t remember you.

What is wrong with Tom?

24)
That’s my number. I don’t hand it out to people usually or anything. I’m just not like that, so if you want to call me anytime, you can...um... call me and we can talk or something.

Why she knows she beautiful right? Why didn’t she just she next to him?

27)
Donna looks worried. She settles back into the chair. The phone rings again. And again.

WHY? She’s acting like she’d kill any man that gets close to Kelly.

33)
DONNA
Hey, I’m talking to you.

Time to have her carted away.

37)
KELLY
Listen, no one’s leaving you. I will never have the kind of relationship with this guy that I have with you. It’s different.

39)
Let’s talk about Kelly. I’m ratheranxious to be rid of her.
Tom looks momentarily worried. Francine laughs. Tom laughs with her.

That’s funny.

1-40)
One sexual depress girl.
One fat girl (possible killing).
A shy Guy.
A burned out health care worker..

I don’t understand why Kelly allows Donna to run her life. 26 year old virgin don’t fall in a Man’s lap.
So far its boring.

41 – 45)
Kelly and Tom.

45 - 46)
Why is she answering to Donna?

47)
DONNA
If you marry him, can I live with you?

Will she get help or will she kill?

50)
Tom’s life is in danger. This is too slow.

54)
TOM
I really don’t understand.
She pats his face, maternally.
FRANCINE
And that’s what’s so wonderful about you. Have a seat. Francine sits on the couch. Tom sits next to her.

Funny.

55)
TOM
No, how safe?

61)
TOM
Well, I don’t think she would hurt you. It is more likely that she would just make the situation unbearable for us, and say she’ll only stop if I leave.

He should be the first one talking about calling the police. At this point it to un believable.

The mother not wanting to throw a child out of her home she thought was harming her daughter.

Kelly’s 26 and acts like a teenager.

63)
Donna stands outside Tom’s apartment watching him through the partially open Venusian blinds across the sliding glass door to his patio. Tom crosses from the kitchen into the bedroom.

65)
DONNA (V.O.)
Tell her you can’t marry her. Convince her that she needs me. I’ll leave you alone.

Call the police.

67)
Tom moves an arm. Donna zaps him again with the tazer. He goes limp, but still awake.
Balls away. Lol He’s too slow, She to fast. OK

68)
TOM
I know. I’ve called my parents. They’ll let me hole up there for a few days while I move. We’re going to have to be very careful until the police pick her up. I don’t know how she found me, but I’m going to be unlisted when I move.

She not anybody the police won’t able to find in 6 hours tops. Where would she hide?
End of story.

71)
Tom and Kelly walk through the people, talking, hugging, shaking hands. Behind them, Donna works her way through the crowd behind them. Tom and Kelly are oblivious to her approach. She holds the knife ready in her hand. Suddenly, Tom lurches. Kelly looks at him, concerned.

Three months and the police could find one fat girl.

TOM
And you will be. We have three months until the wedding. As long as she stays in the dark about where I am, I’ll be fine and so will we.

DONNA
I warned you. I warned you and you wouldn’t listen. Either of you. Now you face the consequences.

Someone shoot her.

74)
the three month old.

Have it twice on same page.
76)
Kelly charges across the house and locks the door. She looks around the kitchen. Tom follows her in, but she is already heading back to the living room.

They live in fear. Why? She is not Hannibal. Or anybody that scare.

84-85)
she tried to kill him. Why is he giving her so much information?

89)
INT. COUNTY APARTMENT - NIGHT
Gertie looks through a drawer.
GERTIE
Damn it all, where the hell is my pocketknife?

Not needed.

Tom was to weak to protect his family from a fat girl. Sorry. -- November 13, 2005 - 3:30 PM

[The Reviewer]

Muckraker at TriggerStreet says TV Movie Maybe:

This is a pretty stock story that I think with a bit of work could end being a made-for-TV movie the likes of which you might see on Lifetime. It's familiar ground that doesn't contain anything new or that makes it stand out, but it has potential.

My biggest problem with this story is its implausibility. Maybe some of the events depicted actually happened, I don't know, but it doesn't add up, making it difficult to buy, and the suspense seem forced. The opening scene leaves a lot of questions. Why in the world is this woman leaving her daughter with this other woman -- just because she hasn't got much money? She did all right for 16 years apparently, so why so close to the age when Donna can work and get out on her own would she giver her away at this late stage? And why would Francine accept her? It just doesn't add up, and raises more questions that are never answered.

Then we jump immediately ahead 10 years to learn that this pair (Kelly/Donna) have been living a carefree, lazy existence, not serious about work, just hanging around mooching off Francine for years, which certainly doesn't make either of them sympathetic, but rather extremely dysfunctional; add to that Francine continues to allow this type of behavior from women in their twenties, and now you've got a real story -- what's behind this messed up dynamic. Sadly, we never learn.

The offhand way the girls walk in and get fired really comes off as just a convenient means to set the stage -- there's no drama involved, and everyone from the girls themselves to the coworkers come off as superficial. The whole Billy thing sort of works, when we see Donna manipulating the situation, but then you reveal early on that Kelly is somewhat aware that Donna has meddled in her love life before, and is practically accepting of it. You almost have to unless risking Kelly really coming off like an idiot not to have detected anything all this time. Because of this awareness, any suspense is seriously deflated and we start to wonder more about why Kelly puts up with Donna instead of feeling like we're in on a terrible secret that Kelly knows nothing about.

And the whole business with Tom likewise comes across as convenient and improbable. Kelly just happens to be looking at a HS yearbook from ten years ago and suddenly she's had a crush on some geek all this time? And there's some strange notion that he hurt her feelings just because she walked up to him and said "hi" and he didn't respond? The whole cateria scene was odd -- what was she going to talk to the guy for, and who cares? There was a lot of build-up there with no payout. And then surprise! Just after seeing him in the yearbook, there he is all of a sudden. At this point we already have enough info to predict easily that Donna will be jealous and up to her old tricks, and all that remains to be seen is how it will play out, so again, any opportunity for true suspense is lost. The story continues to move along as much for convenience as anything. They've had two dates, and they're setting a wedding date?!

I think further along the story gets better, but you have to fix the first parts to make it work. The Donna stalking and knife attacks are well rendered, as is the surprise of Donna working at Tom's office. But you still have too many conveniences like the fact that Tom's boss says he can't let her go -- of course he can, and he has every legal right to do so for a number of reasons I won't go into. And the ease with which she obtains Tom's personal data is extremely hard to believe.

I could go on, but allow me to fast forward to the end. The kidnapping is pretty good, and works well, and the whole suicide pact bit, but the way in which Donna just suddenly dies is very anti-climactic, as is the way Kelly, after all the violence and stalking, and trauma, still seems to the bitter end to have kind thoughts and wistful remembrances of what any sane woman would regard as a total psycho bitch who attempted to murder her husband and child, even as they sit at the table before the fight.

You're really going to need to take a hard look at the story from an objective position, I feel like you are too close to your characters, trying to tell what happened without getting under the surface of what motivates these characters and how you might portray the events in a less forced, "move-the-action-from-point A-to-point-B" manner.

Hope this helps. Good luck. -- November 17, 2005 - 7:10 AM